-I Had A Dream-

Chapter 13: The past

It was the middle of the night, the sky was already littered with stars, and the wind matched the soft rustle of the sea. Ruby had perched on one of the wide, flat cliffs, not far from the stairs that led up to the hotel. She still hadn't managed to finally tell him the truth about what had happened to her. The fear of losing him again had been too great. She sighed deeply and looked up at the sky. Could Donna see her now ? Probably not...why should Donna take care of her after everything Ruby had done. How much she wished she could undo all those years and be there more for her only daughter.
Ruby ran her hands through her hair and tried to hold back the tears.
I'm sorry, Donna.
Her voice trembled and was little more than a low whisper.
I'm so sorry...I let you down, and I know you can never forgive me. I failed so terribly at being a Mom...and you wouldn't have needed anything other than that...

She was shocked when suddenly a hand came to rest on her shoulder and raised her head. She was quite surprised when she looked at Fernando's face. Without a word he sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulders. Ruby was silent. He didn't even know what Donna would mean to him.
It remained silent for quite a while until he finally started to speak.
Ruby, my darling...I know that it depresses you and almost eats you up inside. Whatever you tell me, I'll help you. But you have to tell me the truth for that.
Ruby looked at her hands in silence, trying not to cry. All the pressure almost seemed to burst her chest.
I was...I was scared to be here again. Because...I knew Donna would hate me. And probably Sophie too. And now...I'll never see Donna again. I screwed it up, more than you think...and that's just because of him.
Fernando gently stroked her arm and looked at her, but said nothing. It was clear to him that she had to talk about her husband.
For all these years I have wished for nothing more than to be with you again. And to stand by Donna and Sophie. But...I couldn't. I never managed to defend myself against him.
Ruby swallowed the lump in her throat and wiped her cheeks. It was as if she were throwing away all this heavy load.
I was just trying...to protect my family. So they wouldn't have to go through the same thing. I...I thought at first that he would do that all because he loved me but...at some point I noticed that it wasn't the case and then it was already too late. He kept doing it, he...
Her voice failed and ended in a deep sob. It hurted her to bring back all those memories of times gone by. Fernando took her hand and stroked her hair soothingly. His voice was gentle.
What has he done ?
Ruby felt like a little mouse that had been cornered by the cat and had now found the hole in the wall to save it.
He hit me. Over and over again, at first occasionally and then more and more. He's addicted, on drugs and alcohol...sometimes on medication as well. He hit me and...raped me and...he got me imprisoned. I would have been here, but I didn't mean to involve anyone in this.
He stroked her hair again, and even though he was so loving to her, she could hear the anger seething inside him. Fernando sighed deeply and looked at her and pulled her to him, laid her head on his chest and just held her wordless very close to him. A gesture Ruby had always longed for.
I was ashamed,
she continued quietly.
I felt so humiliated when he first forced me to sleep with other men. I don't know why, but...he was enjoying it. They paid him for it. I thought after the first two times it would stop but...he kept bringing some of his friends with him and...I didn't know what to do. I feel so stupid not to have asked anyone for help.
Fernando kissed her on the head, lifted her head gently and his hands rested on her cheeks.
No, Ruby sweetie...don't even think it's your fault. Because that's not true. I'm sure you...did everything to protect your loved ones from it...nobody would have ever wished you that this happens. And it's horrible. I wish I was there to set you free. To see you suffer like this hurts me and...I know that nothing can ever throw away the memories...but I'm here now. I'm there for you, I love you and I'll never let you go again, do you hear ? Sophie will forgive you in time if you talk to her.
It was quiet for a while, then he added carefully:
And Donna will too.
Rubys tears ran down her face. All these years she had hoped to tell Donna the truth.
I failed to be Mom...I screwed up everything that could have gone wrong.
Fernando gently shook his head.
No. She owes her life to you. And she will forgive you, I am sure of that. She will understand. And Sophie too. You are here, that's all that matters.
His thumbs caressed her cheeks and Ruby closed her eyes for a moment while she let out a deep sigh to let the first ray of light back into her heart.
I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to him, I'm afraid he'll come back.
She looked at him.
Ruby, Ruby listen to me...You have us, and if he wants you he has to pass us first. Nothing will happen to you.
Ruby looked at him again, she felt so small and pathetic, but still comforted by the love of her life, which was almost resurrected.
I promise,
he said softly and kissed her lovingly. Ruby was almost clutching on him a little while the wind blew through her hair. As if someone had stopped time for a moment and the earth stopped spinning.

But...there is still one thing...and I'm afraid you will never be able to forgive me for it.
Ruby still felt bad for not telling him. Fernando looked at her and pushed the hair out of her face.
What is it ?,
he asked softly. Ruby sighed deeply and pressed her fingers into his hand as if he was about to vanish.
It's about Donna. I...I never got a chance to tell you because...when I found out about it were already gone...and then you never came back. I'm sorry.
She was silent for a while, feeling more guilty than ever before.
She is your daughter. Yours and mine.,
she finally said quietly. Fernando was silent for a while and looked up at the stars. His answer surprised Ruby deeply.
I know.
She thought he was joking, but when he looked at her she knew that he didn't. Wait...what ?
Fernando smiled a little and pulled a worn, light-colored letter out of his pocket.
Donna told me. Or rather, I found it.
Ruby stared at him in silence, not knowing what to say.
It's okay,
he said softly.
I'm not angry with you. Not in the least. I understand it. And even if I have never met Donna, I know that she will stay in my heart forever as my daughter.