This is How I Found You

Chapter One

from eden - hozier

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Babe, there's something lonesome about you

Something so wholesome about you

Get closer to me

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                                                             Harry POV:

Depression is like an unknown virus, spreading through your body so fast that all you can do is rest and hope that you just fight it off. You sit around feeling your soul chip away every minute of every day. Everyday I do the same thing, no change, no excitement, no feeling left, just the same routine. My only comfort I have is knowing that my mom and Gemma are only one call away.

I have a bad habit of studying things and not being able to forget them, the only thing I wish I could forget is October 20th, 2015. Not one word could completely describe how I felt about that day other than agonizing.

It's like my body was here but my mind was still stuck there, on that day.

I pinpoint the smallest of things and it makes it feel like my head is caving in on itself. All the sleepless nights of dissecting the little things that make me who I am. Which I hate.

The support I have from my fans is unimaginable, they always try to contact me to make sure I am okay. I wish they knew how hard I try for them. I try to be the person they think they know me as.

I always feel so alone.

Inspiration doesn't always come in ways you imagine them to. It almost comes in slow motion, unexpected waves of passion and excitement roll through you when you find what you were looking for. I have no passion when I sit in this cream colored room, waiting for my name to be called by that soothing and familiar voice which belongs to a sweet older woman named Beth. It isn't like those doctors appointments when your mom held your hand as you walked into the room with the nurses. This is entirely different, you walk through the wooden door and down the same hallways to that small room you see 3 times a month. Room 128. You have to be ready to tell someone all of your thoughts and all of your feelings.

I can't trust the fact that she won't tell someone. Someday she will tell everyone how fucked up I was, how far off the deep end I went.

Perks of being a celebrity I guess. She always tells me about everything being confidential but I can't trust that. I can't trust anyone. When people truly break every amount of trust you've ever had, you will never get that back no matter the person.

The trust I have in the people around me is a weird dynamic, I trust them as in they would save me physically. But maybe that's just because I'm Harry Styles, I guess I'll never know. I don't trust the people around me for shit when it comes to telling them about my mental health and my feelings. Besides maybe Gemma, my mom, Mitch, Beth, and Niall. But for the most part that's on very rare occasions.

My therapist Beth tells me I need to try to trust. But I can't move past him. What he did to me was unbearable. She says it's a freak accident of shit that can go wrong in relationships, but according to every other thing that I go through every freak accident happens to me.

I'm jolted from my terrifying head, full of thoughts, when I hear the most captivatingly soothing voice I've ever heard. I heard the mysterious voice say, "Eden Anderson." as she thanks the lady at the front desk, making her way to the seats across from me. Though I don't look up at her knowing she is looking right at me.