new beginnings

deal not ideal

I felt a hot tear roll down my cheek that hanji quickly wiped away I didn't want them to see me like this crying over how i could go from being perfectly fine to almost bleeding out and to think that i had pushed hanji away just hours before.

" you're okay, you'll be fine ill make sure of that i promise you my dear" hanji said as they held down on the gauze tightening their grip on it. I let out a shaky sigh trying to hold back the sobs that I could feel building up in my throat. I heard someone come in their footsteps were rushed yet light, I heard his voice and immediately picked up it was Levi. I stayed as still as i could listening to hanji telling the shorty to hand them things when my attention was caught with

" You're going to have to hold her down," I widened my eye looking at Hanji, visibly worried and rightly so. Hanji smiled weakly and I looked to their eyes which were now covered with a gloss of tears. They wouldn't let any fall to make it seem as if it would be all alright. They brushed my hair out of my face as I felt Levi hold my shoulders and brace my neck down. I was so tired I didn't think I could even move.

"There's no more sedative, we-i didn't think this would happen. Im sorry but it's going to be okay" i tried collecting my breath and taking deep breaths of hot air filled my lungs as i relaxed my head feeling cool air hitting my open wound which was quickly washed down with alcohol stinging the whole side of my face. I fought everything my body told me and buried my instinct to flinch away from any touch. Hanji lent down placing a kiss on my forehead which I was too focused to give them something, anything telling them that I appreciate it. They pushed a cold metal needle into my blood stained skin a few millimeters away from the wound. I tensed up feeling my whole body shake lightly which made Levi hold me down firmer. Hanji repeated what they were doing as I silently screamed not making any sound but tears ran down my face and I started feeling lightheaded before I heard Hanji put the instruments from their hands down making a clattering on the metal side table. Levi released his hold on me but I didn't move at all. My eye was open but I couldn't see properly from the tears that had welled up yet again. I couldn't comprehend what was going on but could faintly hear hanji talking to me and soon after i felt them lean their head on my side. I was drifting in and out of sleep for what seemed like ten minutes but was actually hours.

After I finally woke up and was staying up I moved my arm across to hanji who was still laying there on the side of the bed, their head laying on my side. " hanji-" I weakly spoke my voice raspy and dry. Hanji woke up and looked up at me " your up!" they said excitedly and grabbing my hand and holding it i looked to them and saw them almost crying like they were before.

"Im sorry i didn't want to do it" hanji spoke with a slight shake in their voice while putting their head on my chest lightly making sure it wasn't uncomfortable for me "i would understand if you want to switch" i interrupted hanji before they said anything else.

" no, you had to, I know that and if i were to blame anyone it would be the asshole who did this to me. I'd never blame you ''I said between coughs with my hoarse voice.

Hanji got up and grabbed a cup from where they were earlier and filled it with water coming back over to me. They were handing me the cup when they saw how shaky my hands were. They pushed my hand away and lifted it up to my mouth, giving me just enough so it wouldn't spill out of my mouth. I swallowed and looked over to the commander,they were sitting on the side of my bed and had put their hand on my arm stroking their thumb over my wrist. I looked down to their hand stroking over my dirt covered arm.

"You stayed the whole time I was out," I said as I looked over at the window into the dark obis that laid outside the glass telling me that it had been quite a while. "Yeah, i couldn't leave you alone i thought something would happen again" they said as they straightened in their chair and fixed their hair moving it out of their glasses.

I slightly smiled weakly as i sat up looking over at hanji, " you didn't have to you know-" i was cut off by hanji shushing me " no its my choice and i didnt want to leave you, not after what happened. And i like staying with you so its not a big deal"

I looked at Hanji in a bit of shock. ''Do you like hanging out with me even when i'm practically asleep?" i wondered why they would want to stay by me.

Hanji glanced up from looking down, " yeah i do and your awake now but if your tired you really should sleep "

I scuffed and immediately regretted it as i clutched at my stomach from the light laugh. " says the one who i've caught up working at three in the morning" hanji held their hand out to aid me after laughing and I pushed it away slightly "it's fine, I'll be alright for now " I said watching hanji and seeing them once again put their hand on my arm again going back to rubbing their thumb over my arm.