the suffering of harry potter

chapter four.

Disclaimer!

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER

This chapter includes mentions of:

- panic attacks

- suicidal attacks

-suicidal attempts

- self harm.

- offensive language

and just bad things in general. 

please read at your own risk, and reach out if you need anything, my messages are open. 

Now onto the story :')

chapter four. 

little time skip brought to you by I'm tired and depressed and didn't know what to write ;)

Hogwarts, Myrtle's bathroom, during the great feast.

{harry's pov}

It still didn't feel quite real, everything that had happened.

the war

the deaths

all of it.

None of it felt real.

Maybe it was all just a dream, a nightmare. Please let it just be a nightmare. Just a dark, horrible, nightmare. 

God I just wanted to wake up.

Please let me wake up.

I shouldn't have come back here. In spite of being back at Hogwarts, I feel more alone than ever (stole that one from the books don't @ me sigh). It was way too much, I couldn't be here anymore. Why did I come back? The people, the castle, the memories. It was all too much.

I can't do this.

 
Everyone keeps looking at me. Why are they looking at me? They're smiling. No they can't.
Why are they looking at me like this?

They look at me like I was their savior, like I was a good person. 

They can't look at me like this. THEY CAN'T!

I'm a-

I'm a-

-a murderer

I'm a murderer.

I killed people.

People died because of me.

They should hate me. Everyone should hate me. I caused so much damage to everyone. I ruined families. I tore them apart. 

I MURDERED PEOPLE FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!!

I can't do this.

I started unconsciously scratching at my arms.

I needed to feel that burn.

I needed to feel in control again.

I needed to feel real again.

Do I even want to feel real again?

No, of course not.

I just want to feel, 

nothing. 

I just want to feel the endless, piteous nothing.

The darkness and calm that comes with feeling nothing.