Muke Oneshots

Dearest

TW: talking about drug abuse and mention of suicide.

- This Os is highly inspired by a book I recently read and it's called Zoo station. It is originally written in German, which I am if y'all didn't know yet...
Nvm please don't read it if you're sensitive to mentioned triggers above it-

Au in which Michael has to write letters for his therapist because he can't speak the words to explain why he tried to end his life.

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My dearest Luke...

How could I ever forget the night we met? It was a hot summer night, fresh out of Highschool, not even 21 but with a cup of beer in your hands infront of Jonnys house.
You had this energy...as if the world would truly only turn around you and as if this night would just be about you.
You had the look of a 10/10 and I still can forget the golden shimmer of your skin in the downgoing sun.
Being tipsy and making out on the backseat of your Honda was maybe the best thing I ever did.
Oh boy if I only knew how this night would change my life.

Love; Michael

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Dearest Luke...

The next morning was maybe better. Waking up in your bed, that I was alone in-between the white sheets bugged me but your bedroom door was slightly opens and the smell that kept me alive through my first year of college slightly waved in. So I got up and found you in the kitchen, wearing nothing but a boxer and my shirt.
You gave me a cup of coffee. In that stupid mug with little bees and red flowers.
I still drink my coffee exclusively from that mug. I can't let go of you, maybe we shouldn't have kissed at all.

Love; Michael

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Dearest Luke...

3 month after we first kissed I asked you out on a date.
I didn't know what to do because I never dated or even kissed boys. Funny, that I was convinced to be straight.
But I swear to God, the second you entered the restaurant, naturally glowing, looking the most beautiful someone ever could I was sure that I'm obviously not attracted to women.
Everybody looked at you, like...the whole room was caught up by you, your bright smile, your happy bright blue eyes. Damn I fell hard for you in that restaurant.
And it was amusing, seeing everyones disbelief when you sat on my table. Cause like I mentioned, you were a 10 and I was at best a 6.
That's probably the point where we fell apart before we fell in love. You had this bright shining self confidence and I doubt no one more than myself.

Love; Michael

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Dearest Luke...

We were 4 weeks into the relationship when you told me that you were terribly addicted to weed. 
Not gonna lie I already suspected it but I didn't want to be that asshole and push some blames on you.
But when you told me I promised to always stay by your side and support you as best as possible.
I meant it, I might was insecure about myself and leaving the house but I would never let you down.
So when you went to rehab I brought you chocolate ans a teddy and a bunch of my shirts.

Love; Michael

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Dearest Luke...

After you came back from rehab I never saw that aura I fell in love with at Jonnys house party ever again.
You re 7 month into the relationship.
I didn't knew back then, but now that I know, I blame myself every day how I couldn't notice the smell of weed staining your clothes.
You collapsed again cause you missed the bright shining Luke, fresh out of high school. But you ruined yourself with a mixture of Weed and XTC.

Love; Michael

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Dearest Luke...

How did you live like that for almost half a year without telling me?
After rehab you swore you'll never ever do any drugs. You even quit drinking alcohol every now and then.
I think I noticed that something went really wrong when your body started to fight against the almost daily dose of drugs.
The sweat stains on the sheets, your shaky hands when you handed me the coffee, the bags under your eyes.
It was the last call for help you did and I was watching out more carefully.
Where did you look when you got nervous, when were you the calmed, laughed the most.
I was terrified of losing you Luke.

Love; Michael

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Dearest Luke...

1 Year, 11 month and 17 days into our relationship and I got that call.
It was 3 am and when I woke up and searched for my phone with one hand my other hand went to your bed side.
It was empty.
I knew something was wrong when I saw that you called me.
You didn't necessarily talked, just cried and mumbled something and God I wish I did understand what you said.
Before the line was dead I heard your stupid junkie friends telling you to put the phone away.
I was so ready to kill them on the spot.
But 7 hours later I got the call from the ER.
You died because of a overdose.
Barley 21 and dead.
I was ready to commit murder.

Love; Michael

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Dearest Luke...

The first few days were the hardest to live without you.
Waking up in the morning without the smell of coffee already everywhere, not you with messy hair and a tired smile handing me the mug that slowly became mine over time.
Not you tesing me by ticketing my side while I did my hair, not you being around to ramble about your job, not you being here to laugh about me when m college professor was a cunt.
The following days were even harder because I realized that you were gone.
To be fair I skipped your funeral because non of those people attending it knew you like I did so I stayed in my bed, ignored college, lost touch to live till my first try to simply alivent.
I mean, I still don't like the thought of being here without you...to be fair I hate it but after 4 failed trys I think someone wants me to stay.

Love; Michael

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Dearest Luke...

2 years, 3 month and 25 days into our relationship and your junkie Friends got sent to jail for second degree murder.
You would hit me for the satisfied smile on my face. It was actually the first day I properly took personal hygiene serious again.
Your half of the bed is still empty like your seat on the table or your favourite spot on the couch.

Love; Michael

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Dearest Luke...

It's actually already 547 days ago since you died.
I slowly learn living again, my therapist is an angel (I know she's reading this).
She gifted me a sunflower bracelet which brought me to a mental breakdown because sunflowers are your favourites.
But I wear it and it makes me smile.
And I had ice-cream at your favourite place, talked with some people and made a friend, Alex.
She's a nice little girl and her mom probably assumed that I want to kidnap her but now both like me.

Love; Michael