Jizzie | Hand on Heart

Chapter 44 | Cliffside?

Fear.

Fear is the driving force for everything.

I'm some way, fear pushes us forwards.

But what happens when it pushes us too much.

What happens when it pushes us too close to the cliffs edge.

What happens when we can't hold on anymore, when there's nothing to combat the fear.

Left, to tumble, tumble into the darkness, with fears cruel presence lurking behind us, never letting us return to the light.

In some way, fear has affected all of us.

It was my own fear that lead me to Charlotte's house that day.

It was my fear that stopped me from telling Joel.

And now, I see it.

It was Leah's fear.

Her fear that lead her to this point.

Her eyes tell me more than words could ever.

I see the fear, I see the fear as the memories return.

I see the fear of losing even more.

And I know it's me that put that there.

From when I threw that lighter, I ruined her life.

Leah makes no move to speak.

So I move instead.

I step forwards, wrapping her in a hug.

She tenses, a sharp gasp when I make contact.

She bullied me, but I killed her family.

I have nothing against her, nothing at all.

I simply don't have the right to.

I deserve everything she did.

All the pain, if was nothing compared to what I caused her.

"I know you won't forgive me, but I am SO sorry."

Tears run down my face and I refuse to let go.

And then, the unexpected happens, I feel her arms around me.

It's tense, extremely awkward, but it's enough.

It's then, when Leah breaks down.

Tears streak down her face as she starts sobbing, her grip tightening around me.

"I'm sorry." She blurts out quickly in between her crying.

"You don't have anything to say sorry for."

We're both complete messes, a mess of tears and pain.

We'd never be friends, not after everything that had happened.

But it felt like we could move on.

"I do. I made your life miserable."

"But I killed your family."

She pulls away, wiping her eyes, "no you didn't."

My mouth drops, shocked and confused.

"You lost your friend, you were trying to help your other friend, you didn't mean to do it."

My face remains stuck.

"You never tried to kill them. It was a freak accident." She frantically tries to stop more tears from spilling out, "I made your life a misery on purpose, hell I put you in hospital."

"I'm still so sorry, i didn't mean to do it but it was still a result of my actions."

"We all do things we aren't proud of, when we're grieving." She gives me a strained smile, and I feel this strange sense of understanding wash over me.

"I still miss them though."

I can see it all, so so clearly.

This behaviour seems entirely out of character for her.

But really, this was who she was.

Her bullying was the thing that was out of character, I just never knew her before.

But it's as if, right now.

Right in this moment

She's too exhausted to keep up the facade, to beat down to stay strong.

And despite what she says, I know it's still my fault that she's gone through this.

It will always be that way and nothing will change that.

Nothing will bring back her mother and brother.

"Maybe I moved here for revenge." She laughs, "or maybe, I don't know. We were never friends back in the US, we barely spoke. But I didn't want to let it go. I think I was trying to fill the void left, but I filled it with anger."

I can't think of what to respond.

"You didn't do anything wrong. It was an accident, I know that I always knew that. But I didn't know what to do. Without anger I didn't know what I had left."

"What about your foster parents?"

"They're okay." Leah pauses, "but I can't help but feel like I'm betraying my family. My real family."

"Allowing yourself to be happy isn't betrayal."

"I tried to tell myself that. But I felt bad for being happy. I tried, I really did, but I felt like I should be remembering them all the time."

"I know what you mean." I sigh, sitting down with my back against the lockers.

"In some way, it was easier to be angry at you, blame you for everything, then to try and move on."

I think back to when my dad died. I think about how Alana dealt with it all.

"But it's not sustainable. My anger felt unfounded, it felt wasted. I was angry, but I projected it onto you, when I was really angry with myself for not being strong enough."

"Don't say that!" I exclaim, "you were only young."

"No no, not strong enough to move on. Strong enough to save them. When the fire started, I saw it. But I thought I saw a man in the garden, well I'm assuming it was a man, it looked like one. I ran outside to confront him, to ask him why he'd just set fire to the garden.

But there was no one there, it was my stupid mind playing tricks on me, and by the time I realised that, the house had already caught on fire. I was so wrapped up in trying to figure it out that I hadn't even noticed.

I ran in, I tried to save them but the door was on fire and I burnt my hands.

Instead of fighting, instead of kicking it down or something, I called the police and fire department.

I watched the flames eat my house, I watched my neighbours try and pry the windows open.

And I couldn't do anything. I didn't do anything."

I place a hand on her arm, "no one would expect you to. You were young, and imagine what would've happened if you did go back in. You might not be here now; and that would be even worse."

"Sometimes I wish I had." She laughs sarcastically, "but this is not your problem. I'm not here for a therapy session. I just wanted you to know. I don't hate you Lizzie, I never did. But this doesn't mean I want to be friends now. You and your friends are still annoying as shit."

I smile, not having anything else to say to her, just watch her walk away.

While I don't feel absolved from guilt I never would, I feel better.

Now to only come up with a plan.