Jizzie | Hand on Heart

Chapter 28 | Relapsing?

I hear the beeping before I see anything, but as soon as I do I immediately want to crawl back into unconsciousness.

The lights are so bright that it shoots a searing pain through my head, and staring directly up at them doesn't help much.

I try to move my hand to shield my poor eyes but it won't move from its resting spot beside me.

Straining to turn my head, I can just make out my surroundings, shock radiating through me.

What the hell happened?

Where was I?

I knew I didn't have amnesia because my memories were still prominently playing in my mind yet I couldn't remember what had happened to leave me here.

I couldn't separate my thoughts enough to even pick out what the last thing I remembered actually was.

I didn't feel paralysed, but still couldn't move.

My eyes are open now, but no words come out of my mouth no matter how I try to force it.

Eventually I regain some feeling in my hand and smack it down on the table beside me, knocking a lamp, glass of water and some papers off it, which come crashing to the floor.

Someone enters my vision, and after a second I recognise Jessie.

"Lizzie!" She beams at me, the tears falling down her face that had clearly made their stay.

I don't say anything back, I can't.

The words won't come out.

"I'm going to get the doctor." She holds my hand for a moment, looking at me, checking to make sure I was really okay, before dashing out the room.

The door opens seconds later, and I expect the doctor, but someone else walks in.

I can't see them as I can't move my head, but I know immediately who it is.

I know the sound of those footsteps, and the awkward shuffling.

"Jessie said you were awake."

The heart monitor besides me betrays my feelings as my heart starts beating erratically in my chest.

Joel

"Lizzie I'm not sure if you can hear or understand me, your eyes are open but I don't know how any of this works." He's speaking quickly, as if he was nervous, "but I just want you to know that I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, I was just so angry and I felt so betrayed."

I know he's crying when he breaks off, his breathing heavy and laboured.

"I'm sorry I never knew what was happening and wasn't there for you when you needed me, and I didn't think how you must've felt." He takes a second to breathe, "I'm so so sorry."

"Joel." I croak out, the sheer effort of it making my head spin, "I'm sorry too."

His head pops into my line of sight and I can see he's smiling through the tears.

My heart is going a mile a minute now, the monitor going insane.

He's about to say something else when Jessie returns with the doctor, who ushers him out.

My hand raises in protest, wanting him to come back, not wanting him to leave me again, scared I'll never find him.

The doctor is saying something to me but I don't hear him, the blood roaring in my ears as I stare at the door he left through, begging them to open again so I can see him.

It's irrational I know, he was just outside, but after everything that had happened I just wanted him with me, to hold my hand, to tell me that everything was going to be okay again.

Because maybe it could be okay again, I let myself believe that for a moment, letting my worries flood away and relishing in my emotions, the ones that made me feel safe, and at home.

"Lizzie?" Jessie breaks me from my haven with a concerned look.

Exhaustion floods my body and my eyes start fluttering shut.

"Miss?" The doctor says.

I open my eyes open, cursing my inability to tune them out.

"Are you able to speak?"

I open my mouth, once again trying to get out the words.

But to no avail.

I slightly shake my head to the best of my abilities.

"Well it appears you collapsed due to a lack of sustenance, causing your blood sugars to run low, leading to the dizzy spells and eventual collapse. Your medical records show a history of back pains, one leaving you incapacitated in a wheel chair is that correct?"

I nod my head.

"Well the collapse lead to you jarring and possibly ripping the ligaments and joints along your vertebral column, causing your spinal cord to relapse and seize up, which is why you can hardly move, it's not as serious as last time, especially since you seem to have restricted head movement, but movement all the same. We need to do some X-rays and tests to figure out the actual problem."

I widen my eyes.

"Your lack of talking ability at current could be down to shock, possible trauma, but also may be an actual medical issue which we will need to cover again."

I want to tell him that I could talk, once, to Joel, but I have no way of letting him know.

"We drained the medication you had been taking from your liver, as this was caused by suppressed appetite resulting in the not eating, please refrain from taking those again, we will go into more detail later however as we have a X-ray ready for you."

I nod to the best of my ability, exchanging a panicked look with Jessie.

Still teary eyed, she holds my hand, assuring me that it will all be okay, and that she'll be waiting when I'm done.

I can hardly hear her as I'm pushed through the doors and out of the hospital room, as my eyes are frantically darting around to see him.

We wheel through a corridor, the corridor I'd assumed he'd wait for me in, but we get all the way to the X-ray room and I catch no sight of him, leaving my spirit sunk and heart broken.

He'd left me.