Jizzie | Hand on Heart

Chapter 18 | My Sandwich?

Joel's POV

Seeing her sitting there, looking so crushed and broken, makes me want to throw all the rules I'd made to the wind and wrap her in my arms, sheltering her from her fears.

But I know I can't.

Part of my brain is adamant that it's over.

She lied to me, for our entire relationship. Do I even know her?

The other part, is telling me that Lizzie didn't feel like she had a choice, she wanted to ignore that past.

But my own pride won't let me backdown.

I try and ignore her overwhelming presence and choke down my lunch.

"I can't believe it." Yammy slams her fist on the table.

"She lied to us for so long, how could she." Ashley buries her head in her hands, as Red comforts her.

Hayley sits quietly, pushing her food around her plate.

She hasn't mentioned anything about the situation all day.

When we get home that evening, I decide to ask her.

"What do you think about this." I say sharply as she sits on the sofa.

Hayley gives me a sympathetic look, "Bro, I didn't say anything because I didn't want to push it." She trails off, "but I spoke to Thea and she agrees."

"Are you planning something behind my back." My anger flares up.

Hayley rolls her eyes, "not everyone is plotting against you dumbass." She motions for me to sit next to her, "we understand what Lizzie did was wrong, and I'm only telling you because you asked, but I just think, that she had a reason for not telling you."

I stand up abruptly, "but she could have told me." I say through clenched teeth.

"Maybe she couldn't have. Joel you don't know her reasoning."

"What reason could possibly mean that you couldn't tell me!" I yell.

Anyone else would have backed off, but Hayley stands up and gives me a furious look, "you are being very closed minded here." She goes to leave the room, "you can't expect to understand what she is going through, especially when you won't even ask her."

She sighs and gives me a long look, "just talk to her, stop being so angry and stubborn, forget your pride and man the hell up."

I watch as Hayley goes upstairs, letting my head drop into my hands.

I've wanted nothing more than to talk to Lizzie, and I know why Hayley is saying makes sense, but I can't bring myself to talk to her.

I remember how I felt when I opened that laptop.

I remember seeing Lizzie fall to the floor crying.

That image is enough to make me run to her, but the memory of how betrayed I felt stops me.

"She had no right to keep me in the dark. I told her everything and she gave me nothing. If she can't trust me, how can I trust her." I mutter furiously, stomping around the kitchen.

I set about making myself a sandwich, but not before slamming every cupboard to emphasise my fiery mood.

Eventually Hayley comes downstairs again, a frustrated look creasing her features.

She snatches the sandwich and stares at me dead in the eye, "you are being a child."

I cross my arms, refusing to make eye contact.

Hayley sits down and starts eating my sandwich while I stare at her incredulously.

"I have my reasons for taking this sandwich, just as Lizzie has her reasons for not telling you."

I scowl, "what do you know about this situation."

Hayley meets my challenge with a hard look, "what do you know about Lizzie's situation."

I think about her words.

"While it may be on different scales, we all have our reasoning for our own actions. No one can possibly expect to understand these reasons without talking to the person who is accountable for those actions. I took your sandwich, you don't know why, and you won't know unless you ask me. You can't know why I did it unless you ask."

"You took it because you were hungry." I say matter of factly.

"No, I took it because in your fit of rage you put mustard in it, and you don't like mustard."

I look at the counter, and see mustard where I thought I'd put mayonnaise.

"You assumed you knew why I did it, and you got mad at me, when I did it to protect you. Just as Lizzie might have believed she was doing."

Her words fall into place in my mind and my mouth falls open in shock.

"Lizzie has her reasoning for not telling you, just as I did for taking your sandwich. You didn't know why until you asked me, so you need to give her the same chance."

Understanding washes over me.

"She won't have not told you for the fun of it Joel. Everyone has their reasons." She puts a hand on my shoulder.

"When did you get so smart." I joke.

Hayley smiles at me, "when did you get so stupid."

For the first time since the situation I feel placated, at ease with myself.

I don't know exactly what to do yet, but I know what I want to do.

Making up my mind, I grab my phone and walk out the door.

My footsteps are hasty and determined as I get into my car.

Soon I'm at my destination, and I walk up to the door.

Telling myself to breathe, my shaking finger reaches up to ring the doorbell, and it swings open seconds later.

"Hi Maddie."

Her eyes widen as she sees me, and wordlessly motions that I can come in.

"Lizzie, isn't here." She manages to get out.

My shoulders sag, and I start questioning whether this was a good idea.

As if she noticed my questioning look, she perks up again, "but she'll be home soon, you can wait for her in her room if you like."

I nod a thanks and go upstairs.

But what I see is not what I expected.

Her rooms is littered with books and papers, with neon post-it's tacked up to every wall, and a random assortment of objects like VHS tapes, and photos are in a pile on her bed.

"What the-" I mutter out loud.

My gaze lands on a cork board at the other end of her room, and I slowly make my way over to it.

I read out the sequence that I've seen on multiple post-it's

FO27834N93

A nagging thought echoes round my brain.

I recognise that code.

But from what, I don't know.