Yearly || Clifford

freak out 1.9

Michael Clifford

I just turned down sex.

I just turned down sex.

The sort of rambunctious chant settled itself in while I paced away from Zoe's apartment.

In the rain.

Without an umbrella.

I knew exactly why I said no, because once I have sex with her, I'll want to stay.

Even though my trademark is leaving.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I just turned down sex.

I can't handle this kind of commitment. I can't be the boyfriend that brings flowers every Friday, or the one that you can have deep, sentimental talks with, because my walls are too high. And I'm the one that built them.

So how is it that one small blonde girl can break them all down?

I just turned down sex.

I freaked out. I freaked out. And the rain pouring down my back is a constant reminder that I screwed up. Because I realised something.

Jesus Christ, I realised I loved her.

And I almost fucking told her.

Now my hair is drenched and my body is cold, and I sit on a park bench by Zoe's apartment.

And I just turned down sex.

Because I'm fucking in love with her. But I can't be in love with her, it's only been a month.

I realised it as soon as she smiled into our kiss. Because she makes me so happy. And it's crazy to think that it's only been a month.

And I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

How the hell can I want that when I only live a year at a time?

I almost told her.

I just turned down sex.

Instead I told her to fuck herself.

And I left.

Like always.

Because I can't handle that kind of commitment.

I rest my head in my pruning hand, and my lips were turning blue. But I deserve it.

I'm so fucking scared.

I can't stay here, but for the first time in forever, I don't want to leave.

But I can't stay here.

I just turned down sex.

Maybe I can go back.

Maybe instead of a summer fling, Zoe will be my yearly fling.

That will never work though.

Because every time I look up at the stars I'll be reminded of her eyes when she laughs too hard, and when the tears of joy form beautiful constellations. Every sunrise I'll see her golden hair, just before the sun comes over the horizon. And I'll see her cheeks when I compliment her at every sunset.

She'll be in everything I see.

And it's only been a month.

I'm so deeply in love.

I just turned down sex.

Or maybe this is all puppy love.

Maybe this is karma way of kicking me because I've never loved anything before, and now I've fallen so deeply, only to be crushed.

Because if this is the case.

I need to build my walls ten feet higher, and ten feet thicker.

To protect me from the Zoes, and the Lindseys of the world, who will come crashing in. They are the people who will build me higher, just so they can see me fall.

That's why I leave.

So they never have a chance to trip me.

All they do is make my life crazy.

And it's only been a month.

And I just turned down sex.

--

(An okay so hi yes

It's supposed to be choppy, because it's Michael's thoughts

Annndd this is probably my favourite chapter I've ever written.

Fact #2
I was adopted because I have two mothers (and they were really sad when they found out I was straight)

Faith)