j's love songs - one shots compilation

Lose

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🎵 NIKI - Lose

All I really know is when I'm lonely
I hate that I'm lonely
And that's why I let you in
And maybe in another life
We fight all day, kiss all night
But I don't wanna break your heart
You keep yours, I'll keep mine.

—

(eng)

"Why, John?" asked the woman painfully. As painful as possible until the question pierced and twisted deeply into the chest of the man that sitting beside her.

He took a deep breath before answering; "I think love is a complementary thing. You know everyone always says that, right? But in fact, we're not. Actually, people are already intact, a whole as their own. What should happen in love is to love each other's wholeness. "

"But you don't love me as who i am? Me as me?" this woman asked quickly, and sounded more frustrated than ever.

"You're not even a whole." said Johnny, staring into the woman's eyes sharply. He sounded no less frustrated. Within their gazes, there was a intense, painful pause.

"You don't even know who you are, do you? You always try to be me, or someone I can accept. You always look dead when you don't have me. You always seem hesitant if you're not being told by me. Nowadays, I even had doubts that grew bigger; Who are you, Sya? What do you like? What are you happy about? What are you sad about? If there's something happened, what is the first thought in your head? I have absolutely no idea what else but you would think like me. "

"Hah? What would these two years mean if you didn't know me at all, John? "

"That's exactly it. It's been two years, but each day feels like I'm more detached from you. I even lost you. " said Johnny dolorously.

"Then, you just want to let me go? With the state that you know that if you leave, I can be completely destroyed? " the woman's voice began to tremble and grew hoarse.

"I don't want you to lose yourself even more, and I don't want to continue to torture myself by trying to love people I don't know anymore."

It's quiet. This time it felt two, even three times more painful. They dwell in disillusionment of different forms, yet they are equally there to wrestle and muddle.

Instantly scraps of memory entered in it;
the first time the two met in the afternoon when the rain was pouring down,
when they first exchanged smiles,
the first short message that opened all the conversation about each other's life,
the first dinner,
the first hug,
the first kiss—

The woman's cry broke the silence. She could only hug her knees and cry uncontrollably when she realized that that very second, she lost the love she loved most, more than herself.
Johnny can only be silent, frozen beside her. At that moment he realized, he lost the love he thought was the love he was looking for.

Then he embraced the tiny and fragile body of her. He stroked her head gently, and his hug grew tighter;
"I'm truly sorry. I'm not ready to lose you more than this. "

Silence enveloped the two of them.

This time four, five times more painful than ever.

—

(bahasa)

"Kenapa, John?" tanya perempuan itu lirih. Selirih mungkin hingga pertanyaan itu menusuk dan memutar dalam di dada lelaki yang duduk termenung di sebelahnya.

Ia mengambil nafas dalam-dalam sebelum menjawab; "Aku kira cinta itu saling melengkapi. Tau kan semua orang selalu ngomong gitu? Tapi nyatanya engga. Sebenernya semua orang itu udah utuh. Yang harusnya terjadi adalah satu sama lain saling mencintai keutuhan masing-masing."

"Tapi kamu ga sayang sama aku dengan keutuhan yang aku punya? Aku sebagai aku?" tanya perempuan ini cepat, dan terdengar lebih frustasi dari sebelumnya.

"Kamu bahkan ga utuh" saut Johnny dengan nada meninggi dan menatap mata perempuan itu lekar-lekat. Ia terdengar tidak kalah frustasi. Di dalam tatapan mata mereka, ada jeda yang menggebu dan menyakitkan.

"Kamu bahkan ga tau siapa kamu sebenernya, kan? Kamu selalu berusaha jadi aku, atau orang yang bisa aku terima. Kamu selalu keliatan mati kalau ga ada aku. Kamu selalu keliatan ragu kalau ga dikasih tau. Lama-lama bahkan jadi aku yang ragu; kamu itu siapa sih, Sya? Kamu sukanya apa? Kamu seneng kalau apa? Kamu sedih kalau apa? Kalau ada kejadian ini itu, apa yang kepikiran pertama kali di otak kamu? Aku sama sekali ga punya bayangan apa apa selain kamu akan berpikir seperti aku."

"Hah? Dua tahun ini artinya apa John kalau kamu ga kenal aku sama sekali?"

"Justru itu. Udah dua tahun, tapi semakin lama bukannya aku makin kenal kamu. Tapi aku malah kehilangan kamu." kali ini Johnny yang terdengar lirih.

"Terus, kamu mau ngelepas aku gitu aja, John? Dengan keadaan kamu tau kalau kamu pergi, aku bisa sehancur-hancurnya?" suara perempuan itu mulai bergetar dan semakin serak.

"Aku ga mau kamu semakin kehilangan diri sendiri, dan aku ga mau terus terusan nyiksa diri sendiri dengan berusaha sayang sama orang yang ga aku kenal lagi."

Hening. Kali ini terasa dua, bahkan tiga kali lipat lebih perih. Mereka diam dalam kekecewaan yang berbeda bentuk, namun sama-sama ada disana untuk bergumul dan mengeruhkan.

Seketika potongan-potongan memori masuk di dalamnya;
saat pertama kali keduanya bertemu di sore hari ketika hujan sedang deras-derasnya,
saat pertama kali bertukar senyum,
saat pesan singkat pertama yang membuka semua percakapan tentang hidup masing-masing,
makan malam pertama,
pelukan pertama,
ciuman pertama;

hingga tangisan perempuan itu pecah dan memecah sunyi. Ia hanya bisa memeluk lututnya sendiri dan menangis sejadi-jadinya ketika ia menyadari bahwa detik itu juga, ia kehilangan cinta yang paling ia cintai, melebihi dirinya sendiri.
Johnny hanya bisa terdiam, mematung di sebelahnya. Saat itu juga ia menyadari, ia akan kehilangan cinta yang selama ini ia kira adalah cinta yang ia cari.

Kemudian ia merengkuh tubuh mungil dan rapuh itu. Ia mengelus kepalanya dengan lembut, dan pelukannya semakin erat;
"Maaf. Aku ga siap kehilangan kamu lebih dari ini."

Hening kembali menyelimuti keduanya.

Kali ini empat, lima kali lipat lebih menyakitkan.

—

And I know
Whatever this is ain't love
So I'm goin'
I'm gonna let you go, let you go.