Last update 4 days ago. I'm back updating my whatsapp status. I can't remember how I was back. But yeah I'm back. But still I need to write here, where I can be absolutely transparent.
Currently I read books, doing my work and all stuff, but amazingly I feel better right now. After completed the Letters to god series I feel lighter like all my mess was lifted up. There were this one moment I felt like, "You had gone too far, just come back"
One quote from the books that I can never forget is this one line which means "If you focusing on to pleased Allah, HE will grant only the best thing for you." This is not the exact sentence but the meaning are same. I'll check the actual line later.
I have so much doubt and questions. I'm sceptical to many things. I get mad over things I can't control. I always felt like I'm the victim. At one moment I stop praying. Things are too harsh, i stop living and I'm the dead fish.
But then through this book as 'asbab' HE might try to tell that I've go too far and should come back. I feel better after that.
Few days ago, I wake up early at 4.30 a.m. it's been awhile since I wake up that early and seeing HIM. O told HIM everything. I talk to HIM how I felt even I know that HE KNOW everything. But I feel like talking to him.
Thankfully few days after, I'm getting better. The journey are way too far. So much thing to do but atleast I've start my first step. Insyallah, please pray for me. So I can find my way out and getting better.
...
Since last two weeks I have attending online course on marriage. It has 3 episodes and I'm done with second episodes. Despites my work and inner self battle, I have some issues related to relationship. Actually, I've been waiting for the same person since 7 years ago. He just a friend. He didn't give me any hope or what not to make me waiting for him. But maybe because of my limited social circle I don't have many friends and he is one of the few people I have. And the reason that make me have this linger feeling over him is that maybe the way he think, the books he read and the music he listen to. I have this special soft spot for intelligent people. I don't see relationship in romanticism part but more to companionship which help you to be a better person.
Sometimes I feel like dissatisfaction and disappointment when I realised that he is impossible. We are too different in so many ways. I have my inferiority and I'm not what he deserve. Doubting my self but can't get over him is tough and disappointing.
We don't talk to each other regularly. We just popped up randomly with trivial chat. When I was having my bad days years before he was there with his words but lately he is not. He is busy so do I. It takes me a lot of effort to ignore and forget about him. Which is so hard. When I took a break from my social circle last two weeks I hope that I can finally not talking to get his attention. Not waiting for his reaction and so on. In these two weeks, I do my things focusing my stuff. One day I pray so hard to HIM, I read the doa for istikharah. It's been a long time since the last time I ask HIM about this. But for this time I just want to be calm. I want to make things clear. I asked HIM that if he is for me then make things easier for us if not keep him away and make me calmly accepting what ever HE choose for me. Later the next day, after being a while, he come drop the text. Asking my whereabouts. Of course I'm so happy. But the text still nothing different from before. And I take that as the sign from HIM when I asked HIM to make me calm for whatever HE choose for me. Maybe he is not for me, but being in peaceful is more important for me, for now. God knows how I really want him to be part of my life in future, but HE knows what future held and what is the best for me. So as for now, i keep upgrading my self and let the rest to HIM. I know my worth and I deserve the best.
