Tonight ✅

I

When I close my eyes
I feel like it will remind me of the times
That we were together
When I close my eyes
I feel like I will think of only the happy memories again
-Jin (Tonight)

***

       I don't want to lose him. I even don't want to leave him behind. I love him with all my life, but I can't confront him and tell it directly to him, the pain and worries I've been hiding.

      Whenever we're together, I just want to give him happiness and beautiful memories, so that even I am not anymore in this world, he will just remember those happy and beautiful moments I leave behind.

     “I can't do it anymore, Mom” I said it as soon as I heard the door opening inside this white room. “Y/N, it's been already 8 months yet you're still here. You are going to live for a long time. Please, d-don't g-give u-up”

     I look once again at the moon through the open window. I don't want also to give up. But I can't hide it anymore to Jin. I will eventually die, from this cancer.

    Out of all people, why me?

    It's been already 8 months since I got diagnosed with stage III pancreatic cancer.

    The doctor said it is the ‘Silent Killer Cancer’ because the symptoms will got unnoticed not until it will move to the advance stage.

    I remember the day that my stomach and back is aching too much. I thought, it's because I didn't get to eat lunch that day because of some work to rush.

    That day, I rush to the hospital. The doctor diagnosed me as a stage III pancreatic patient. I even don't know how I get that cancer. Not until I found out that our family has history of chronic inflammation of the pancreas. That's how my grandma died.

     The doctor said that the survival rate for the patient up to 5 years is just 5%

      For the past month I've been doing chemotherapy since it's been impossible for a surgery, but those things will not make me live until my hair turns white.

      I've been hiding it to Jin, I know I should be honest to him all along. But I have reasons, I don't want him to worry too much because I am afraid that he will lose his focus on his job. I don't want to ruin the life he has right now.

     Mostly, I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to get sad, I don't want to be a burden to him.

      I'm thankful, that I can manage to hide it whenever we're together, despite of the symptoms I had.

      There are times that he will notice that I lose weight, I usually don't eat that much because I am afraid that my stomach and back will hurt, and I am afraid he will found out.

      I will just say that I am on a diet. I will just make excuse for myself.

      I turn my head and look on my mother who's crying on the hospital bed. “I don't want to be a burden for you anymore, Mom”

      My mother look at me and shake her head. “I am not even thinking you're a burden. We should be thankful, the doctor said that it could just be 5-6 months a patient will live, but look at you now. It's been 8 months yet you're still here. Please, I am begging you, your dad and I will do anything for you”

     I just closed my eyes and sighed. I will try fighting. Maybe, before I die, I want to confess this to Jin. He has the right to know.