Barbecue The Priorities Dinosaur

Pilot

barbecue enters his house, high on crack. he sits down on his couch, when suddenly six young adults burst into the room.

YOUNG ADULT 1: we watched barney as a kid, and we all wanted to be on the show. now there's a young adult version and we can finally participate! tEACH US YOUR WAYS BARBECUE

BARBECUE: ah fuck whatever

barbecue pulls out a bottle of liquor.

BARBECUE: wanna do shots while i either tell you everthing that's going on in my life or pass out from the shots?

the others nod, and barbecue rummages through his couch and produces 3 shot glasses.

BARBECUE: some of you are gonna have to share.

he throws the glasses towards them, but no one is ready so they just shatter on the ground

YOUNG ADULT 3: well what do we do now

they all stare at the shattered glasses. the camera zooms in on the glasses, and stays like that for a good 30 seconds.

YOUNG ADULT 6: well fuck. we'll be back.

barbecue is already passed out on the couch. cheryl enters.

JESSICA: who are you?

YOUNG ADULT 4: im cheryl.

cheryl bolts out the door, the others following. barbecue then wakes up.

BARBECUE: why are these random people breaking into my house and then leaving what the fuck guys.

cheryl comes back with a giant shot glass the size of a desk. it doesn't fit through the door so she hits the door frame with a hammer. the others are hit with the shattered wood.

YOUNG ADULT 2: i gOT SPLINTERS IN ME EYES

BARBECUE: yeah well life sucks kid, that's just how it is. you get splinters in your eyes and a stick up your ass and that's how you know you're middle-aged.

barbecue takes a shot.

BARBECUE: anyways so my wife divorced me and i lost the divorce papers so we're technically not divorced yet, and she took the kids which is fine because they were stealing all of my weed. then i got put on probation and had to talk to my parole officer whilst i was high on crack, and now i have been fired.

CHERYL: that's not gonna happen to us! right, jessica?

JESSICA: exactly! we're gonna be capable adults and live fulfilling lives—

CHERYL AND JESSICA: LIKE ARIANA GRANDE!!!

the camera zooms in on their excited faces for about 30 seconds, then zooms back out. everything returns to normal.

BARBECUE: let's play a drinking game. every time i tell you something about my life that isn't gonna happen to you, take a shot.

YOUNG ADULTS: sounds fun!

cut to 30 seconds later, everyone is drunk off their ass. cheryl and jessica are belting out the lyrics to "no tears left to cry," one of the young adults is sobbing while confessing their love to their reflection in the mirror, and the others are trying to do somersaults through the broken doorway without touching any fallen wood, all while yelling "WOOP WOOP WE ADULTS MY BITCH!"

BARBECUE: welcome to adulthood, everyone.

the camera fades into a memory of barbecue's. children play in the distance. a man approaches barney/barbecue.