Tears

Wednesday, November 11

We are at our dad's today afternoon.
I have a meeting to go to, which is an Open House for one of the high schools I'm applying to, it's online. We are outside as we listen to the meet on my dad's phone. We walk to the park we usually go to, but instead go to the field instead of the playlot. I remember it being gray outside today.
In the meet, people introduce themselves, they tell us their name and pronouns.
My dad gets all mad as he listens.

"What the! " he speaks out, "Poor children." He says, shaking his hand as he walks.

"My pronouns are she/them and I'm a Senior in the Arts programs."

My dad huffs.

Why don't you just leave!? I want to say.

But my face is expressionless. I'm just looking ahead as I walk.

"My pronouns are... He/him," a professor states in the call.

"What the heck!" My dad interjects, shaking his head. I roll my eyes mentally and listen to what the people in the meet are saying.
"If you give yourself pronouns, " my dad shakes his head as he speaks, "I'm going to lose it,"

Oh.My.God...Like I care.

As we arrive at this field, so my brother can play with his soccer ball, our dad lets me listen to the meet alone. Thank God.

I listen for about 30 minutes before he comes back to listen and I feel constricted once again by his presence. I try to act like he's not bothering me and I just stare at the phone.

"All right, go to the chatbox, and you can enter the breakout rooms through the link," the administrator states.

I click one of the breakout rooms but it tells me I can't enter. Dad tries to work the links, but it doesn't work. We leave the meet to try to enter but it still doesn't work.
The phone says to click a user to enter the meet.

I click mine ( Icon says "Feminist Society" with a pink silhouette in the background).

The Screen tells me: Wait for the host to let you in.

My dad grabs the phone as it loads, snatching it out of my phone. I try to relax and ignore the crunching my stomach is starting to feel.
He looks at the screen and sees my icon.

"Oh geez, Mina," he shakes his head, "Feminist," he scoffs out, shaking his head in disgust and in pity. As he shakes his head he speaks again.
"Someday you'll realize that being a Feminist is bad... it's really ugly and sad, " he chuckles to himself. I look ahead, containing the anger in me and the amount of things I want to say to him.

This guy is an idiot.

"It's just an organization of destruction, " he adds. I snap my head and look at him.

Oh. My. God! What the Heck! That is not true. You don't even know what it is! - I want to say

I stay silent with a blank expression.
My mind is spinning, "Speak up, " my mind tells me, "This guy is CrAzy," "Be Quiet... He'll kill you," My heart wants to say something but I know it's not a good idea.

A pause of silence as my dad stares at the screen, not realizing his effect on me.

"Just go and play with your brother and warm up. I'll tell you if the meet works. "

I obey, taking this opportunity to leave his side. I run towards Simon and our friend, Daniel. I play with them for a while, stealing the ball from Simon and passing it to Daniel. The ball then rolls far away and the boys go after it.

I lie down on the turf field ground. Lying there, looking at the evening sky, relaxing a bit.
I smile at the small twinkling lights that are called stars. They say you can't see stars in the city, but I can see them. I feel warm by the presence of the stars and the dark sky looking back at me.
I breathe in and out. I close my eyes. Breath in and out.
I open my eyes slowly.