Tears

March 12, 2021

Mamma comes over on Friday during my Health Class.

I hear a jiggle at the back door, the signal that she is here.

I peek through the window to make sure it's her. I smile and open the door.

"Mamma." I hug her. My arms quickly begin to feel cold from mamma's coat touching my bare arms.

Simon comes running from our room with his computer in hand.
The sound of the teacher comes out of his computer and he places it down on the kitchen table to hug mamma.

"Cold," he says.

Mamma closes the door behind her.
Simon goes back to his room.

"Mamma," I say, looking down and then back at her.

"There's something going on with..you know," I say, my eyes full of worry and my stomach in knots.

"What? You think...it's.." she asks.

"Nooo," I answer quickly, "But it's weird. I don't think it is. It's Brown so it probably isn't. There's just alot of it and I'm confused and worried what's going on,"

"Do you have a pad on?" I nod in response.

"Can I see it?"
I got pads when I was younger for my discharge, I don't use it alot but when the discharge was uncomfortable I'd wear the pantyliners.
I look through the bag on the doorknob where we hang a garbage bag and I find the recent pad I used today. I roll it out to show what's on it.
She looks at it and then back at me. Smiling, she nods.
Panic rises and butterflies enter my stomach.

"No." I shake my head, "It's nothing." I shake my head again.

"It is,"

"Nooo," I begin to cry in her arms.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want to grow up,"

"You're still my little girl,"

"Noo," I cry.

"What's going on?" Simon asks from the other room.

"Nothing." I shake my head, denying the fact that I got my first period.

I walk into the living room where my computer sits as the google meet of my health class plays. The teacher talks about something that I won't remember about.
I sit down on the chair, shaking my head and hugging my knees.

"Nope, it's nothing," I say.

She gives me a smile.
"Why are you so sad about it?"

"I don't wanna get it when I'm 13. I want to be tall. I'm not tall now. I want to be 5'9 not 5'4 or 5'5,"

"I got my period when I was 13 too and I wasn't this tall," 

I shake my head, already thinking negatively.

"Noo," I cry," I don't want it. I don't want to be small,"

She sits down on the chair across from me. She reaches her arms out for a hug. I shake my head but I give in, knowing, I want her embrace.

I hug her and cry.

"You'll always be my little girl." I feel better after crying in her arms, tucked in under her arms.
After a while, I sat back in my seat, feeling weak inside.
Simon comes out of his room.

"What's wrong? Is she sad because she doesn't have her period," he asks, hugging mamma.

"No, the opposite," Mamma answers.
Simon turns to me, his eyes asking me if it's true.
I turn my head away, beginning to cry again, a whale sound coming out of my mouth.

"Noo," I whine and shake my head once more.

"Why are you sad then?"

"Would you be happy if your voice changed," I retort.

"No," he answers.

"Exactly,"

"You'll be saying 'Nooo'," Mamma says, mocking the voice of a man with a deep voice.

Simon leaves again.
I look up at mamma.

"You'll find a way to accept it. It's our nature."
I shake my head.

"No."
She smiles and I enter her arms again.

"It's the new moon in Pisces. The end of something and a new beginning," she gives me her knowledge of astrology.

"The end of being a girl," I pout, tears reaching their way out.

"And becoming a woman!"

"I am already a woman. But...I wanted to feel happier when I got it," I say.

She smiles again.
"You'll always be a girl. Remember your child-self...all is well." a smile creeps up at her words.

"You're right, it's a new beginning, it's meant to be,"

I sit back in my chair but then I begin to cry ... shaking a bit, feeling scared of growing, remembering the kids in my class who already have it. I shake my head. I don't want it.
I hug my knees close to my face. My hair down, some of the hair tips covering my vision.

"Can I take a picture of you?" mom asks.
I nod, smiling.
She points her phone to my face. I try to act sad but I smile at the camera a little, looking away. I chuckle after she clicks a few snaps.
"Now with me,"
She sits down next to me. I stay in my position as she takes a selfie, this time I face the camera.

Wow, I look really good.

After, she sits back in her seat, I say, "Don't tell anybody," My eyes glossy and my lips pout out as I speak.

"How can I not?" she whines.
I smirk, tilting my head.

"Fine, only Nonna," (Grandma)

"I love you," Mamma tells me.

I feel better now, sure of myself, but a bit scared. She kisses me goodbye and a kiss to my cold belly.
"Ti amo." I wave goodbye as I watch her walk down the steps. I smile and close the door.