For You ;; yuyeon

Up on the last show

"Do you need anything else?" Victoria asks for what Soyeon believes to be the third time in half an hour.

They are at the front door of Soyeon's house and Victoria and the driver had been helping the rapper to bring her suitcases insides, but Soyeon paralyzed as soon as she left the car and has been standing in the front yard for all that time, staring at her home. In her mind, she had been trying to figure out what made her call that house her home.

"Soyeon?" Victoria calls again.

"No, I don't need anything," she snaps. Then, she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, turning on her heels to face her assistant. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that."

"It's fine." Victoria comes closer. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"Pretty sure. Just need some deep rest and I'll be as good as new," she fakes a smile. Truth is, not even Soyeon knows what her problem is.

Perhaps she is just tired, perhaps she should go for psychologist to understand where this frustration comes from.

"Call me if you need me," Victoria says, and with one last glance, she enters the car.

Soyeon waves goodbye to the driver and is left alone in the sidewalk within seconds. She forces herself to stare at the door again, where she stands for twenty minutes more before going in with a mental push.

Her tour has not ended yet, her last show is in Seul and it's two days from now. Two days that she intents to spend lying on her bed, doing absolute nothing. So, after turning on the alarms,  she walks straight to the backyard to find her garden dead, as it is not summer anymore, but well maintained, her grass green and her pool as translucent as it can be. A very nice work from the housekeeper.

She lets her purse fall on the floor and takes one last step into the pool, clothes on and everything.

As she dives, she closes her eyes to open her mind to the feeling of getting soaked. The water consuming her clothes to touch her body. She knows she has just ruined her expensive shoes, and her jeans and her newly done hair — it's dark brown now —, but she does not care. She feels relaxed, less heavy, the soothing feeling of floating as her body slowly emerges.

It's late afternoon, the sun is setting, the rays of light don't reach her, and it makes it easier to keep her face clean.

Soyeon wonders if this is supposed to be her life. A hole of loneliness, emptiness. If she's supposed to feel like this whenever she's alone.

This wasn't her normal. She was used to being on her own before traveling to Jeju, before the wedding. Before Yuqi. But now she can barely stand it. A couple of days or so is fine, but it's been three months of touring now and it's leading her to a box of numbness.

If she concentrates enough, Soyeon can feel Yuqi's touch on her arms, her hands. She can feel her soft kisses on her neck, her fingers tracing her lips, the heat of her body getting Soyeon's own body hotter. A ghost. She imagines them in a wild field, green everywhere, the breeze from the trees, Yuqi's loud laughter from afar, the rays of the sun making her skin shine. She feels happy, happy and sank in the fantasy enough to lose track of time, of reality.

An insistent noise brings her back. Soyeon opens her eyes to a cloudy and dark sky, and hears her phone ringing from her purse. She dives in the water and swims to the edge of the pool, making an effort to widen her body enough to catch her purse on the floor. Once she gets it, she takes her phone out, but the call has already been missed. It was from Minnie.

Not alarmingly important, she decides, and once she notices that it is already 8h30pm, she leaves the pull and enters the house, completely soaked.

It's dark and she has to use her phone's flashlight to get to the control panel, and when she turns everything on, most of her floor is wet.