It feels like there are two of me
And I don't know which one I want to be
One is too bad
And it cames when I'm sad
It wants me to starve to death
And hurt myself till my last breath
The other one takes care of my body
It wants me to be somebody
A person who dreams and creates
And who is not stuck inside these gates
Sometimes I can't believe
And the truth is I can't leave
But how tiring it is to be these two
And don't even know who is who
You wouldn't understand
As if we were in a dreamland
You would tell me to just choose to be healthy
So I can, again, be me
But don't set off the fireworks yet
I swear I can bet
It'll be a mistake
You're just unawake
Because if things worked like this
I would be in a bliss
It is a war that is too hard
And I'm not the strongest soldier in this guard
Will my life be like this forever?
Or some side will win after?
I just want everything to end
But, for now, I just need to pretend
So I won't be a burden for anyone
And people's job will be done
Just some "I'm happy" and "I'm okay"
And, in my life, you won't see any grey
[a poem written by myself in a moment of dispair. Not everything rhymes, sorry]
My therapist always tells me I say too many "I don't know". I do that mostly because I actually don't know who I am or what to do with my life. When I think about it, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. What's the meaning of everything I'm doing?
Not in a multiple personality way, but I actually feel like there's 2 of me. There's the recovery one and the mentally ill one. And I keep oscillating between them. I keep restricting, counting calories and self harming but at the same time, I take my medication and go to therapy - just in case. I know one can affect the other and both my recovery and my mental illness aren't going to be what they should be. But I don't know what to do.
My therapist thinks I'm going there because I want to get better - and people can even say those psychology things like "my unconscious want to get better so that's why I'm going there". But that's not the reality. I don't know if I want to get better. And I could be lying in my bed for the whole day while I decide if I want it or not. But I think it's not fair. Because, if someday I get better, I don't want to look back and regret the time I wasted.
I don't think it's okay for the person I am today to fuck up the life of the person I can become one day. So I keep living, doing all the things I believe someone in my position should be doing (studying, taking care of my mental health).
But that's not because I want to.
13.09.2019
