Ocean Eyes . Jonathan Brandis

Eighteen

Heartbreak.

Jonathan had walked in on me in the bathroom.

But it had to have been intentional. He tried his hardest to give me a sympathetic smile but I could tell he wasn't happy about Jared and I. "You okay?" He asks me, seeing me struggle to clean up. "What are you-" instead of finishing my sentence, I look at him confused. "Grace, really?" He shakes head, frustrated with me. "I'm concerned, that's it," I could tell he wasn't being completely honest. My confusion immediately fades and I get annoyed. "Concerned? Where was this concern before? Laura always does this kind of stuff to me. I don't even cry anymore. It got old the minute I stopped caring. You know? Around the time you stopped?" I shrug, giving up at my attempt to remove the stain. Jonathan sighs at my response. "Is that why you're with Jared now? Because you don't care anymore?" He shrugs as well. I knew what he meant. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I know this is my fault," he shakes his head at himself. "No," I begin. I couldn't let him take all of the blame. I wasn't any better using Jared. "This is so stupid," I sigh turning away from him. I needed to tell him the truth but what would that change? "I'm sorry, Grace. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Clearly, you're happier without me," he refers to Jared. He goes to leave but I rush to stop him by grabbing his hand before it reached the lock. He gives me a defeated look. His bright blue eyes were glossing over. Did he actually care this much? Without thinking, I lean forward and kiss him. He didn't pull away, which made this even more wrong than it actually was. And even though it was wrong, nothing felt more right. I finally pull away, slowly. "I'm miserable without you, Jonathan," I sigh. His sad expression turns into a small smile. "So am I, Grace," he says with relief. As much as I loved hearing him reciprocate my feelings for him, it didn't change the fact that he was still technically with Lisa and I would never know for sure that he'd actually change. "Why do we keep going in circles, Jonathan?" I sigh looking away from him. "One minute, you seem like the boy I shared a tree house with then the next it's like you're just a typical jock who won't even give me the time of day," I continue. He doesn't say anything. I turn to look at him again. By now, his small smile had faded and he seemed hopeless again. "I'm an idiot, I know that Grace," he finally speaks up. "That's not what I'm saying," I sigh even more frustrated. "I don't know what you want me to do, Grace. I'll break up with Lisa. I'm sure it's obvious I don't see her as anything more than just a friend. This was all just a stupid set up," he begins. "Are you going to actually change though?" I shrug. "Stop breaking my heart over and over again," I add shaking my head. He didn't say anything after that. I knew I basically just admitted that he has always been more to me than just a close friend. "You know, I've always loved you, Grace. Even if I never said it before. I realize that now," he says, causing me to look up at him confused. "You deserve someone who can actually tell you that, someone better than me," he says the last part uncomfortably. "If you like Jared, I understand. I'm just not ready to see you with anyone else, but that's my problem, not yours," he finally says. At this point, I didn't even want to continue this extremely uncomfortable and back and forth conversation. He leaves the bathroom without another word.

I finally finish cleaning myself up and return to the booth where I found Jared waiting but with a smile and another vanilla milkshake. I force a smile and sit down. "I'm sorry about Laura. She can be a bit intense," he shakes his head. "I'm used to it," I shrug. I look around and notice that Jonathan was gone. "Are you sure you're okay? You seem a bit off?" He looks at me confused. I focus my attention back to him. He was probably the most observant person I'd ever met. "Yea, thanks for getting me another milkshake," I smile assuringly. "It's the least I could do," he smiles. For a moment, our conversation fell. "Do you wanna get out of here?" He asks noticing I wasn't exactly having the best time. "I'm ok- actually yes," I decided to stop pretending I was fine when I actually was having the worst time of my life. "Come on then," he smiles, noticing how I wasn't trying to hide my feelings anymore. He offers me his hand to help me stand and I gladly accept as I could not wait to leave that place.