Medicine [h.s]

03

When you're broken, you wonder what happened to you. Why are you like this? Was it my mother who made me like that? She hasn't cared about me since I was 4 or 5 years old. Or was it my father? He didn't care enough to stay. He didn't even give me a chance.Or is the problem actually me?Throughout my life, I always feel like everyone is leaving me.Or if they haven't done it yet, they will.Everyone except Bethany made me feel like it was hard to love me.And I just don't understand why.Because if I love someone, I do it with all my heart just because how others have treated me.

I was always afraid Bethany would leave one day.I was afraid she would realize I didn't deserve to be her friend.But now it looks like I'm going to leave her.At least that's what I think of the fact that I had to pack my stuff.And I don't know if I have this opportunity to say goodbye or if I'll ever see her again.

I do not want to leave.Without Bethany, I can't do anything.She's my rock. There are days when I feel like I want to end it all. And Bethany knows when I have a day like this. She'll come over to my house even at dawn.She sits on my bed and holds my hand while we eat some cheap ice cream.Or she drives with me all night while we roar sad songs out the car window. I feel hopeless without her.

And I think she has a sixth sense because she's calling me. I bet her head will tear apart.

"I have a terrible headache.Why did you let me drink so much?"She's whining.

"You wanted to have fun so I let you."I shrug even though she doesn't see it.

" You know, I was drunk yesterday and not blind. We should talk about what happened." Her voice turned to worry.

"What exactly are we talking about? What happened?" I ask.

"That guy____"

"God, I can't believe you're still____"

"This is not about the guy."She interrupts my sentence."It's about you.You didn't go there to him. What you would have done otherwise without thinking. And don't really think I didn't notice how weird you behaved yesterday. I'm worried about you and you know I've never forced you to say something you don't want to tell. But is there really nothing you want to tell me?" Hell, why does she know me so much?

"I..." I want to tell her everything so much but I can't. "Yes, I'm sure. I'm fine.But thank you."I wipe away my tears.

"Okay. Then we'll talk." She sighs.She knows exactly that I'm lying. But she is like that. She lets me work things out on my own first.

Shaking my head, I look at the two suitcases next to my bed.I've said it many times in the last two days but I still can't believe this is happening.

I angrily drop my blanket off myself.Walking out my door in the hallway I see empty bottles thrown away.She wasn't home at dawn yesterday when I came home so that means she drank these this morning.

Great, she's drinking now.

Arriving in the living room, I see my mom sitting on the couch and staring at the floor.It's like she doesn't even perceive the world around her.

"Mom, are you okay?" I roll my eyes.Why does she have to do this?I can't take this anymore.

"You know, I never wanted a child."It's also a way to start the morning.

"You know, I didn't want to come into this world.I never asked to come into the world." I shake my head.

She doesn't say anything but shrugs.Not considering what she said, I go to her and take the empty bottle from her.After I throw it in the trash I go back to her and take out a blanket to cover her with.I don't know why I strain, she never does anything for me. She just causes pain all the time.But she's my mother, and even if she doesn't take that into account, I can't ignore that fact.