Medicine [h.s]

08

Tw : Mention of drug addiction ,alcohol abuse

Four days, four schools. Two days with Louis,two days with Harry.

I can't say that these were the best days of my life. Louis, well he is still an asshole. I think he hates me more and more everyday and I just don't know why, but if I'm honest I don't really care. Those two days were horrible. I can take it if someone is arguing with me if they have good reasons,but Louis is definitely not that person. He always has to say something and it's really annoying. 

I thought that after that night in that horror club Harry could communicate normally , but I was wrong. He is the same and talks to me like shit. I thought that it would be different after that, I don't know why maybe because we had a normal conversation. And although he is the same I still can hear his voice, I can feel his touch, his cold rings, the way he whispers those words, I can smell his whiskey scented breath mixed with tobacco.

And I hate it.

I can't think of anything else but those words "we are all sinners sent to earth to be forgiven". I felt those words.

I don't know what he meant by that "I'm the worst punishment" but I have a feeling that I don't want to know. His words scared me but made me feel excited at the same time. Sometimes I love danger and being scared of the unknown. It gives me adrenalin, which makes me feel alive.

Since then I spent all my night doing the same thing,drinking. I'm definitely not proud of myself and I really don't like this version of me but this is the only thing I want to do when I'm alone in my hotel room while the boys are out there doing god knows what. They spend every night somewhere else, they still don't trust me but Niall and Liam said that if i wanted to risk the life of my family I could've done that by now. I could've asked for help in the schools but I didn't because I'm not stupid. I know that they would hurt Beth and Sophie in a blink of an eye. So they left me in the hotel and I felt lonely so I grabbed a vodka bottle from the mini fridge and drank it and I did the same on the next day , then again and again and now here I am sitting on the ground on the little hallway between the room and the door.

My back is against the wall and the vodka bottle is in my hand. My curly hair is collapsing to my shoulders, my mascara is everywhere but not where it should be. My head hurts and I don't know if it's because of the alcohol or because of my screaming thoughts. I just need silence but I can't have it. My thoughts are fighting with each other. I don't know which I should listen to. My room is messy, the clothes are on the bed or on the ground, the room is trashed and if you look at it it literally looks like my mind.

On the first day after the club I felt sadness , I was still a little sad on the next day but after that I didn't feel anything. I was numb, I am numb.

The thing about numbness is that you would rather feel anything but numbness. You would rather feel pain,sadness, anything but the pure emptiness. You would give up everything you have just to feel something. Although you don't feel anything being numb feels like it's choking you. It feels like when you are walking into the water and you go deeper and deeper but when you realize that it's too deep you don't have a chance to get out,you are already drowning and there's no one to help you. You are alone in the deep.

This is what numbness feels like. And this is the only thing I "felt" in the last few days,weeks. And there's no one to help me. I'm drowning in my own thoughts.

I get up and I slowly walk to the window. My body is tired too. My phone is on the windowsill so I look at it.

Five missed calls from Beth.

I don't want to talk to her. If I'm honest I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't need anyone right now , I just need myself but I don't find myself. I'm lost. So lost. And I don't think that anything or anyone could help.