Medicine [h.s]

07

"She misses you." I sigh, this is not helping at all.

"I miss her too Beth."

I lie on the king sized bed and stare at the ceiling. This room is similar to the previous one. A little even friendlier. It's almost the same, just this one is brighter. And the bed is bigger.

"You won't come back, right?" Although I don't see her I know she's crying.

"I don't know Beth, I don't know."I sigh, for the first time in days, I'm telling the truth."But we shouldn't talk about this. Tell me, how are you? How is school? Have the rules been revoked?" I ask. Now that the boys are not there anymore, I think everything is normal.

"I'm okay, I just really miss you. And no, it's still the same. Everyone is so scared." She says.

"Wait, Are the rules still valid? Is the gang still there?" I'm so confused.

"Yes. And I don't think they will ever go away." This doesn't make any sense, I don't understand."The windows of the cinema were also broken by yesterday morning. They closed it for a while." She says, and I know she hesitated to tell me.

"So my mother doesn't have a job right now?!" Fuck sakes.

"She doesn't have a job, and I know that she bought some stuff again."

"Can you check on her sometimes? Maybe once or twice a week?" I ask her. I don't like my mother but I don't want her to die.

"Of course. But I have to go now. We will talk tomorrow. I love you!" She says.

"Okay, we will talk tomorrow."

I wish I could say I love you too. But I can't anymore. I can't say those words to anyone, anymore. Because I don't think I feel them. I don't really feel anything.

Anymore.

I did. But now all I am is a mess. Who, if she feels something, that's only pain. Horrible, torturous pain.

I remember exactly the last time I said those words. Afterwards, I immediately vowed never to say it again. Even if I feel them. I will not give that power into the hands of another person ever again. I trust Beth but I can't give this, not even for her. But it's okay because she knows exactly how I feel about her.

You don't always have to say it to know.

Looking at the clock, I can see that I've been here for a long time. At first, I just lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, maybe for hours. Niall even knocked once to invite me to lunch with them but I wasn't hungry so I stayed here. Then Beth called.

And now I'm here. Empty, numb, and maybe there would be another method but the only thing I feel could help is the vodka taken from the mini fridge. Honestly, I don't even like the taste.

But it doesn't matter.

The television sounds soft in the background. The alcohol burns my throat all the way. And my thoughts that are actually empty are too loud.

I just want silence.

I have no idea how I should feel. I have no idea what I could do. And I'm not even sure I want to do anything about it. Now I feel it would be better if I didn't feel anything.

I reach for the bottle again and lift it to my mouth. When I feel the taste of vodka on my tongue, for some reason I want to laugh. This is ridiculous. Who wouldn't laugh at me? Or with me, it's just a matter of detail.

I feel like the alcohol is starting to work.

But after a long time I laugh and I can not stop. I have no idea what I'm laughing at, maybe I'm laughing at myself, maybe I'm laughing at being horny for some reason. But I don't care right now. Because after that I usually come to cry and right now I just want to enjoy this and if I need to drink more to do this then I will do it.