The Year of Maybe

Chapter Eight

"Quinn! Quinn! What's wrong?" Ricky is suddenly at my side shaking my shoulders.

Before I realize it tears are streaming down onto my gown and my hands are tightly grasping the handles on the hospital bed. "Th-... This is Eli's child..."

"Yes, he is and you are going to love him, and take care of him as if he wasn't Eli's."

"He?! How could you say that? You don't know! Hell, I don't know! I can't do this... I'm sorry Ricky but I don't have any desire to raise a child of his."

"Baby, don't say that... Once you see him- it... Your mind might change. How far along are you anyways?"

I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes and shake my head. "I'm not sure... Seven months... Maybe?"

"Seven months? Seriously? You haven't gained a lot of weight... Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm positive."

"Well obviously..." He looks at my belly and I give him the did you seriously just make a joke right now look.

Ricky puts his hands in the air and said, "Hey... I was just trying to lighten the mood... Sorry."

"It's okay..." I brush loose strands of hair behind my ear. "I just don't know what to do... I'm pregnant... There is a little human living inside of me."

"You don't have to figure that out right now... You said what...? Seven months? You've only got two to go and during those two months you can decide what to do with it. Maybe you'll even gain some weight by then."

"Do you think they'll let me look at an ultrasound?"

"Of course they will. And then we can go back to my place and I'll make you some spaghetti or something. I've got Netflix too... So feel free to kick back."

A soft knock comes from the other side of the door followed by a creak of the hinges. Dr. Lorain enters the room and another nurse. He walks over to me and unhooks the IV from my arm. "Alright... You are ready to go... Just take it easy, kid."

"Thanks... Uh... Before you go, do you think it might be possible that I get an ultrasound?"

Dr. Lorain sighs like he can't wait to cart me out of the hospital but then he offers a fake smile. "Sure thing, sweetheart. Jen, can you grab the machine please?"

The nurse nods and exits the room. "Sound like you are gonna be alright... The only concern I have is that you haven't gained much weight... How are your eating habits?"

"I like to consider my stomach an endless black hole..."

"Oh... okay..." Dr. Lorain doesn't seem impressed by my comment.

"I honestly don't know... I'm around seven months along... How much should I have gained?"

"Umm... I would have to say anywhere between twenty and forty-five pounds."

The nurse reenters the room with a monitor and a tube of a clear jelly.

"Alright hun, can you lift up your gown for me?"

Are you kidding me right now? Ricky's here. The doctor is here too. I'm in nothing but a gown and underwear... No. No. No. "Uh yeah... Sure." I lift the rough gown up about six inches higher than my belly button. The bruise from Eli is still pretty visible and the nurse looked at Ricky like she thought he did it.

"Dr. Lorain can you please lower her bed so shes resting back a little bit?" The

nurse returns her attention to me as Dr. Lorain lowers my bed so I am almost laying down. "This is going to be a little bit cold... But it should warm up to room temperature in a few minutes." The nurse pulls on two latex gloves and squeezes some of the gel onto my stomach, on contact I get goosebumps. She reaches for the transducer and sets it on the gel moving it into little circles.

The monitor next to the bed shows little white lines. There. In the middle of the image is a black mass.

"There it is... Hmm..." The nurse rubs the transducer around a little bit more. "Do you want to know the sex of the baby?"

I glance at Ricky. He is leaning forward in his chair attentively looking at the monitor. He looks back at me and gives a little nod of approval. "It's up to you."

"I'm scared." Ricky reaches a hand towards mine and grasps it tightly. "Yes... What is it...?"

"You are having..."

++++

I remember when my mom was getting an ultrasound. She told me I could touch her belly after the gel was on it and I chickened out because it was gross. I remember when the nurse told her she was having another girl.

I haven't seen my little sister since I ran out. Spencer was her name. When I left she was twelve with dark brown hair down to her butt. Mom told her she should donate it but she had always refused because she wanted to have hair as long as mine...

I miss her. I miss the times she would irritate me for no apparent reason. She's gone... And I will never see her again. It's my fault. My little Spencer... My sweet, sweet Spencer.

++++

She moves the picture around a little. "A girl." The nurse smiles and Ricky squeezes my hand.

My stomach drops. "Oh..."

"Oh? Aren't you happy?" Ricky's brow furrows.

"Can we just go home now?"

"Quinn what's wron-"

"Can. We. Just. Leave." I glare at him. He stands up and straightens his shirt.

"Alright, thank you Dr. Lorain for your time. We'll be leaving now." And with that, we left.