ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS

18. DEAD DAUGHTER TALKS TO HIM

★ Leonard ★

After the Latino man told me about his daughter's story, I don't know how to respond to him. It is so painful to hear what happened to him. I regret asking that question. Now, I know it isn't only me who has been suffering from the death of someone so close. But I have to say something to console him, so I finally start to talk about what happened to me.

"I am very sorry about what happened to your daughter. It must have been so difficult for you and your family to overcome. I am going through a similar situation myself."

"My fiancée was killed in a car accident on the way to the church when we were about to get married three months ago. I am lost, and I still can't figure out how to move on. That is why I left Weatherford because there are too many memories of her in town. Wherever I turn, I see her shadows."

"I couldn't think straight about my future without her. So I just took off this afternoon and didn't know where I am going because I don't even know where I want to go. I happened to pick you up, so I guess we are going to Santa Fe."

Since Beth died, I never talked about my feelings to anyone. Practically no one. Somehow, this man pulled it out of me naturally because he doesn't judge me through a tainted glass. And he experienced the same pain I am going through.

I don't expect a miracle to happen, but I am looking for something to ease my pain. Instead, he makes me see death from a different perspective, the angle I was never able to see it from.

"You are feeling lost, like a tumbleweed."

"You are no longer rooted to your life and blown by the wind in every direction. Your fiancée was a root to hold you down. But it is an illusion, like how you think about death."

"What if you weren't supposed to get married to your fiancée. And start a family with her as you imagined. Instead, you were meant from the very beginning to lose her and go on to do something else."

"You didn't know the story of your life. You were just assuming that way. Maybe your great adventure starts from here. You didn't pick me up by chance. You were supposed to meet me and hear what I have to tell you. What if it was all in the big plan?"

I am blown away by what he just said to me. I don't know what to make out of it.

"This is what happened to me after losing my daughter. When I lost her, I felt so guilty that I chose to live and let her die. I blamed everything on myself for a few years. One evening, my daughter came to my dream."

'Papa, you don't need to blame yourself for what you haven't done. I am here in the spiritual world, and I am happy. I was never supposed to live long in the physical world. My job was fulfilled being your daughter.'

'My mission in this life was to let you see how to live positively, even though you lost someone so close to you. You will become more spiritual and compassionate. That was my sole purpose in this life. Don't waste your time by blaming yourself. There are more important things to learn in your life. I love you, Papa. I really do!'

"When I woke up from my dream, all the anxiety and guilt were lifted from me. I just knew everything had a reason and purpose even though my little daughter had to die."

Since Beth died, all I had kept thinking was this.

"Why did it have to happen to me? Why? Why? Why?"

I still feel that life isn't fair to me. I have been feeling like a victim. All in all, it doesn't help anyone, especially me.

The Latino man continues to talk.

"After that dream, my whole perspective shifted, and I am fully enjoying my life even though I miss my daughter a great deal."

While listening to him, I reflect on my life as well, especially Beth's last words.

"Remember me. When I come back to you, please remember me."

What did she mean by it?

Is she going to come back from her death?

Why did she say that?

Just to comfort me?

Or did she mean it?

But it is impossible for her to come back. I turned her words over in my mind to figure out the hidden meaning. His story makes me more confused.

When I don't know what to think of his story, he says to me.

"I want to ask you one favor. You are already doing me a great favor by taking me to Santa Fe when you don't have to go there. There is a small village called San Elizario on the way to El Paso. If we are going to sleep somewhere, can you take me there near the Rio Grande?"

"That is where my daughter drowned. I usually go there once a year on the Day of the Dead to say hello to her. Today isn't the day, but I just want to be with her. She always waits for me there."

We have to sleep somewhere anyway, and I don't have any preference for stopping for the night. So I tell him that we can go there if he can direct me to the exact location.

Once we arrive at an intersection, he tells me to go left. So we deviate from I-10 and drive another thirty minutes to get to San Elizario. It is already pitch dark, and my headlights light up only an empty road.

Once the street intersects the last road next to the barbed wire fences, he asks me to turn right and keep driving along the barbed wire. On the other side of the fence is the Rio Grande, the river that runs along the border to Mexico.

Shortly after, he asks me to stop. As soon as the truck stops, the Latino man jumps out of the car. He asks me to let him be alone with his daughter for a while. Then he disappears into the darkness.

All I can hear is his footsteps, and they eventually fade into the night. When I am lying on the mattress with Bianco right next to me, I stare at the stars. The billions of stars fill the dark sky. I hear the Latino man talking in Spanish in the distance.

I realize now that I don't even know his name. At the same time, someone laughs while he is talking. It seems like a little girl's giggle. He said he would see his daughter, but I imaged him praying over her resting place precisely like when I went to Beth's grave before leaving town yesterday.

I actually can hear him talking and laughing with a girl, and sometimes I can even listen to her talk in Spanish. Their voices in the distance become soothing to my ears, and I slowly drift into a deep sleep while Bianco curls up in a big ball of fur. In the end, I can't even tell if I am still awake or dreaming.