The Story That Didn't Want To Be Written | Spencer Reid x Reader

It's Okay

Tw: Blood, This chapter contains vivid descriptions of self harm. Please, please do not read this chapter if that triggers you. This chapter does include comfort to the character harming, but the accrual harm is discussed in a lot of detail and can be extremely triggering. Please stay safe, loves. 

The biggest misconception people have about mental illness is that there's always a reason for it.

"Why"?

You're so sick of that word.

It's exhausting answering the relentless questions over and over again because the truth is that most of the time you have no idea why. There is no possible way to explain the feeling, other than to experience it. All there is, is this deep sinking despair that rips at your soul day after day and eventually just leaves- taking everything until you can't feel yourself anymore.

It's not even sadness, it's just empty.

Everyone always assumes that's why people are depressed. Because they're sad.

How do you explain that to someone that's never felt this kind of empty? There aren't words, there aren't sounds, there aren't pictures. Even screaming, even crying conveys more emotion than is really there.

That's why it hurts. The empty hurts. The nothingness hurts, and when you try to explain it to everyone else, all you're met with is resistance. Denial. Misunderstanding until you're forced to scream

You don't understand!

And then they look at you and call you ignorant. Laughing at how you sound trying to explain the thing without an explanation, trying to scream about how it's ripping you apart and there's nothing you can do because you don't even want to fight it anymore. It's so much easier to let it win.

There aren't words, because how do you explain something that really isn't anything at all?

That's why, as you were in the elevator riding up to the eighth floor of the hotel, you couldn't even begin to explain why it decided to hit you there. In that moment.

All of the sudden something broke inside of you, and you could swear you could see all the colors from the brightly lit elevator fade. You could've sworn the world had a new gray hue to it. Something was wrong, but what the hell was it?

You could feel all your thoughts stop- it's like your brain took a breath and when it finally decided to breathe back out, it exhaled you with it. Now you were just left with that comforting feeling of nothingness.

The elevator music stopped playing? No, not really you just- couldn't hear it anymore. Well that's actually not true. You could hear it, you just couldn't hear it. You knew it existed because logically it had to. JJ was next to you still tapping her foot to the superficial beat, but all you heard was static. Did you even hear static? Honestly it was a little bit of a blur.

"Y/N?" you heard her calling and quickly snapped your head to the left. "Aren't you on this floor?"

You glanced as the top of the elevator, the number 8 was illuminated in the red LED lights.

"Oh yeah" you let out a chuckle that resembled more of a deep, shaky exhale than anything else and you turned to pull your go-bag off of the floor, carrying it with you as you left the elevator and gave JJ a tight lipped smile and wave. You watched as the elevator closed and Emily and JJ disappeared from your view.

You assumed you were alone on this floor- JJ and Emily were rooming together on the floor above you and Rossi always paired with Hotch, leaving Derek and Spencer to room together. Rossi had stayed behind on the jet with Derek and Spencer tonight as you rode to the hotel with the girls- they wanted to make sure he was okay after his panic attack and you wanted to give him some space.