Secret Love (Boyxboy) (l.s)

Chapter 13

MAY 10, 2014

"Hi, Harry. How are you today?" Anne asks me, smiling sweetly, sadly, at me as I take my seat across from her.

I think about the many times I have sat in this chair, the things I've said, tears I've allowed to slip down damaged skin. I have opened up to Anne, in a way that I haven't to anyone since Lou died. Why? I decide it is because I was forced to and continue to relish the memories I have of this place. What would Louis say, if he were here? I think he would tell me it would be okay. He always reassured me, the liar. The masocistic, weak liar that I love so much it hurts.

"Why do you call me Harry now? You used to call me Mr. Styles," I wonder aloud.

"Which would you perfer?"

"You didn't answer my question," I note.

She raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow and says, "Generally, patient's within your experience tend to connect their name to their lost ones or past time. Once you began to open up to me, I knew it woud relax things and not traumatise you if I just called you Harry."

I nod.

"You loved him, didn't you, Harry?" she whispers, leaning in closely.

"Of course I loved him. I still do. You don't give people you don't love the power to destroy you," I say quietly, staring into her blue gaze.

She smiles another sad smile and it reminds me of Lou when he left me that day at the flat. If I'd had known that was going to be the last time I was going to kiss my love, I don't think I ever would have let go.

APRIL 15, 2010

I knew it was going to be a while before I would see Louis again, but I decided to go and get some of his favourite things to eat before he visited anyways. I had been out for hours, unexpectedly. I had ran into an old friend and told him of how Lou and I had fallen in love and he told me to "hang in there." I was just getting home when I saw it. His car. Parked outside my flat.

I practically ran inside, dying to see him. I called his name out the minute my foot crossed the threshold.

"Lou?" I yelled repeatedly, searching everywhere for him.

"You want to play, baby?" I whispered laughing. I didn't know that was going to be the very last time I laughed a real, happy laugh.

As I turned the corner to the toilet, I turned my head and there he was. Lying on the floor clutching his knees to his chest. He was dressed in my clothes. My large sweat pants and big tee shirt. Hell, he even wore my beanie.

"Louis?" I whispered.

I hit my knees in front of him and clasped his firm, stiff hand. It was so cold, like it always was. But it was a scary cold. My love was dead.

"Lou? Baby, no. please I'm sorry."

I think that was what became my mantra. Over and over. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry.

"Louis please wake up. Please. You can't be gone, you have so much life left to live, so much more to see. Love, please wake up," I thought if I said it enough it would come true.

"LOUIS NO, PLEASE BABY. PLEASE COME ON. WAKE UP."

The tears rushed down my face mercilessly. But the pain. That was the worst. It was as though someone was literally sqeezing my heart as hard as the could to see how long I could last until I broke. I but I was already shattered.

I couldn't believe it. The pills were lying next to him, next to his head and a bottled water. Tears still stained his face. As I looked down, I saw it. A note. I grabbed it quickly and unfolded it, seeing my name.