Secret Love (Boyxboy) (l.s)

Epilogue

So here I am. Standing among the clouds watching as they take my body from the flat. I am brought back to my thoughts of what if?. The Great What If? gives us a false illusion, an alternate world where things can be better or worse. It tricks out mind into thinking we've got exactly what we wished for. But eventually, you have to wake up from it. It's pointless, what if?. It's cruel what we can do to ourselves. I remember not being able to stop thinking about what could've been when Lou first died. And every time I thought about it, I realized that no matter how much I thought about it, and no matter how goddamn much I wished for it happen, it never would. This is what was in the cards for me.

What if?'s are everywhere, all around us. Every day. The mother who's son was just diagnosed is thinking it. The husband who's wife is leaving him can't avoid it. And the man who's love has died from his own hand is begging for his what if?. And my what if?. What if Louis' mum would've like and accepted me? What if my parents were ideal? What if I didn't go to support group at all? But it is torturous. We think up these perfect scenarios and play them out in our heads, only to wake up to reality. This is what I am stuck with. This is the path I was given to walk, and walk it I did.

But I suppose somewhere along the way, my feet got tired. But I kept walking. And then I looked down again, and saw the blisters and the redness and realised that I was so done with living. I came to see that nothing that I could do was going to make life any better. No amount of therapy, nothing. My life was through.

So I veered off, into the woods. And got so lost that I found a cliff. And I jumped.

What if?'s should ultimately be avoided, and accepted. They give you false hope, but it's hope, nonetheless. And without hope, we can't get anywhere. Hope brings us to love and to live and to see.

And as I stand, gazing and wondering about the path that could've been, I feel a hand placed gently on my shoulder.

I turn and see him, Louis. The one I was meant to love and to meet, even if inevitably he would leave me. This was what was meant to be. And as I gaze into his bright blue eyes I have longed to see for so long, I realise that it doesn't matter, none of it. For no matter how long you hope and dream for your what if?, you're handed the cards and forced to play them. You just have to love the hand your dealt. I know now, in this moment, that you're handed the right deck, even if it seems to be not true. And I wouldn't change a thing.

"Louis?" I whisper, as if I speak louder, he might fade away as he had done so much before.

"Hi, Hazz," he says, and strokes my face gently.

I lean into his touch and smile fondly at the happy memories, the bad ones slipping from my mind.

"Oh, Boo Bear, I have missed you," I say.

"I missed you, too, baby. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispers, as his lips find my tears and kiss them away.

"Shh, it's okay. Louis' here now, love," he whispers.

And his lips are on mine, grabbing hungrily, slowly. Passionately, yet completely full of lust and need. Our own perfect oxymoron.

"I love you, Louis. God, I love you," I say against his lips.

"I love you, too, Hazza."

He clasps his fingers in mine. And we walk into the sunset, leaving our struggles and heartache and pain behind, to be together.

Forever.

My beautiful, sexy, flawless, perfect, gorgeous, smart, breathtaking, lovely, kind, sweet, precious, sometimes nonexistent, classy readers,

OMF ITS OVER. IT HAS BEEN SUCH AN AMAZING JOURNEY WRITING THIS AND I KNOW THAT ITS SHORT BUT THAT WAS MY INITIAL INTENT. I AM SO EMOTIONAL RN AND I LOVE YOU ALL INFINITELY. YOU GUYS ARE MY LIFE AND I WANNA MARRY EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. SO, I GUESS THIS IS OUR FINAL GOODBYE UNTIL PASSION STRIKES FOR ANOTHER BOOK. HERES A POEM FOR US TO PART WITH:

WHATS OOPS WITHOUT HI
WHATS HAZZ WITHOUT LOU
WHATS SHIP WITHOUT ANCHOR
THATS ME WITHOUT YOU.

I NEVER CLAIMED TO BE A POET SO IM SORRY IT SUCKS BUT I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. GOODBYE FOR NOW.

-AUTUMN