Secret Love (Boyxboy) (l.s)

Chapter 14

MAY 10, 2014

So here I am, in the car next to the suitcase that carries my things. The passing city is a blur outside of the window of the backseat of the taxi I'm sat in. I think it appropriate, the blur. My love was a blur, I believe.

I thought that it was crystal clear, but I was wrong. I was a foolish man swearing the purple wall was green. But now I see. We were doomed from the start. Regardless of what Louis said, I'll always blame myself. It's too difficult not to.

And the trip, the drive, to my flat is similar to life in general. Any drive is. You get in the car, and you drive. You don't really know how long it'll be before you get there, but it will end, eventually.

Whether you were in the middle of a really great song that came on the radio, or not, wouldn't matter because you have to get out of the car. I see the tree that had Louis' and my initials carved into the wood and I know that my journey, like my life, is about to be over.

I'm more afraid of going back into the flat for the first time since Lou died than I am to die. See, I am ready to die. I have seen and felt anything a man could ever wish to feel in an entire lifetime.

Louis made me more alive than thousands of lives have gone with. I have lived infinitely in my 24 years. Twenty-four. I am brought back to my first birthday spent with Louis. He got me this bracelet, but they took it from me when I went to therapy.

I hope they gave it back to me, I'd like to die in it. It would remind me of him and comfort me. Perhaps it's in my bag, I will check when I get home.

Anyways, I wasn't ready for Louis to died. It happened so suddenly and unexpectedly so I am not ready to walk into the flat that holds so many memories. So many captured laughs and love that I thought would last forever.

The driver pulls into the familiar parking lot and for a second I see Lou's car. But I know that it's not there, that it's a figment of my imagination so I blink a few times and it is gone. I sigh and get out, paying the driver and edging my way up the stairs.

I reluctantly put my hand on the door handle and walk slowly inside. I inhale deeply and sit my bag down, taking in the painstakingly same scenery. The grocery bags from that day are still sat on the counter, the keys thrown lazily next to them. I go down the hall and into the bedroom. I don't know why, but I guess I need to see everything, one more time, before I go.

His clothes are lying on the floor where he changed into mine before he died. And my clothes that he wore are folded neatly on the bed, no doubt where the police put them before Lou'a funeral. I didn't get to go, though. His mum wouldn't let me. I didn't get to be there when they put him into eternal darkness.

I grab the clothes and go into the toilet, tears immediately brimming my eyes. I take yet another deep breath. Okay, Harry. You can do this. I open the cabinet and pull out the bottle of painkillers I usually kept for when Lou would get headaches. I look down and see his cold, dying body on the ground.

I hit my knees and claw at him but my fingers just rake against the floor. He's gone again and I'm left here. Alone. But not for much longer. I don't even try to stop the tears from pouring relentlessly down my cheeks.

There's just one last thing I have to do. I pull out the paper and pencil that I brought inside before I came inside. I begin to write.

Anne,

I couldn't think of anyone I needed to write to, except you. Due to everything that I've told you, I feel that I can trust you in a way I have only ever trusted one other person, Louis. That being said, I feel like I should say a few things to you. Thank you for trying to help me. You did your job really well, it was I that fell short of the expectations.

You see, my love with Louis was just too strong, and I was just too weak. Without him, I couldn't function. But you, Anne, you made my last weeks bearable and helped me to live just a little while longer. But there's no fixing me, Anne. There never was. It wouldn't have mattered if you'd have made me tell you every detail of our love story or kept me there for a year, the moment you let me go, this was bound to happen.

I want this. I want him. I hope someday you find a love like ours. You deserve it. I hope that he or she treats you right to you. You were my best friend, Anne. Even if you were paid to be my best friend and even if it was your job to be my best friend. I didn't care. Those weekly sessions were all I had to live for.

I loved you, Anne. You were the sister I never had. Thank you for being there for me in my darkest hours and thank you for listening to my story, and letting me stop telling it when I needed. I think a part of you knew that this would happen, and you let it happen anyways. Thank you for letting me leave. And thank you for understanding and not judging me like the rest of the world.

Lou and I will watch over you now. I'll tell him how good you were to me and he'll like you, too. I hope your life was better than mine was, Anne, and I hope you live it to its fullest. Goodbye.

-Harry

I grab the bottle of pills and pour all of its contents into my hand. With a sad smile on my face, I put them into my mouth and swallowed. And I can't bring myself to be afraid. I am too excited to see Louis. My last moments are the only moments I am afraid. You see, it is those moments when In question whether or not I will be with him.

Or will I simply be trapped in some sort of dark nothingness. I hope that I will see him, so I close my eyes for the final time and take one last deep breath, dreaming and picturing bright blue eyes and small tan skin.

DONT WORRY ITS NOT OVER THERE WILL BE A SHORT EPILOGUE. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND HOPE YOUVE ENJOYED THIS BOOK!!!!!
-AUTUMN