a book of thoughts

Speak

Why
Why can't I be normal
Why does my brain get scrambled up
When I try and speak
Why does it feel like a permanent weight on my chest

I have hundreds of thoughts in my head
I have a million things I want to say
I have a trillion things I want to tell you

But why can't I say it

Why is it every time I try to speak it comes out scrambled
Why is it every time I want to speak I get scared
Why does it feel like my chest is caving in
Why does it feel like my brain has stopped working

Why can't I speak?

I try to speak
But the words get caught up in my throat
Like a traffic jam

I stutter fluently

I choke on my words
I Drown in them
But I can't get out
The fear only drags me down deeper as I try to speak
I crawl up in a ball
In my own corner

So I'd rather keep quiet
I keep my words to myself
Spilling them on the pages
Where I don't get scared or choke

Where my chest doesn't collapse
Where I don't drown
Where my brain doesn't give up
Where I don't get scared

I write it all
Everything I wish I could tell you
All my pain
All my sadness
All my stress
All the things I'm too scared to tell you

I write it all like a wave hurdling towards the pages
My words spill
Stained in red
With hearts of black

But why is it
When I speak
When my tears hit the pages
And the knot inside me loosens
When I want someone to comfort me

I'm too scared to ask
I'm too scared to tell you
I'm scared you'll judge
I'm scared
I'm scared

The crowds cave in on me
The people suffocate me
The stares judge me

So I cave in
In my own bubble
I put on a smile
And every time I say
"I'm fine don't worry about me"
"Ek is ok niks is fout, ek is net moeg"