the art of letting go

fifteen - home

the art of coming home

- - -

This is stupid. This is stupid. This is stupid.

Just as I'm about to turn around and forget everything I'd planned to say, the door unlocked.

Nico's eyes widened as he opened the door and spotted me. I shuffled on my feet before he invited me in.

He gestured for me to sit on the couch, which I did. It was kind of awkward. I didn't expect anything less. "Hey, I-"

"Coden's here." Nico interrupted, making me freeze.

Nico eyed me as we sat in the living room, the only interruption to the deafening silence being the noises Coden was making in his bedroom as he tried to find whatever toys interested him for today. If I'd been disgruntled at his son's surprising presence, I couldn't imagine how Nico must be feeling to have us both here. At least yesterday we had Brayden, Frankie and Kady's presence to help soothe out the tension.

"Okay. I should go," I stood, taking a sharp breath, as I made my way around the coffee table.

Nico was on his feet almost immediately, hand shooting out and grasping my elbow without second thought. "You can stay."

I froze, stare flickering down to his hand still touching my skin before flickering to meet his, eyes wide with alarm. Warning bells echoed throughout my head, a stark reminder of what usually occurred when I stayed in this place for too long. Coden was different though, I knew that. But I also knew that bringing temporary people around a kid was never good in the long term and god forbid I got attached.

"What?" I almost hissed out, not wanting to alarm the child in the other room with my internal panic. "Coden's here."

"I know." Nico swallowed visibly, Adam's apple bobbing. He showed no other physical reaction to my words, as if he'd already considered it. He was asking a lot of me, given the situation, given that we'd already spoken about Coden's arrival in this world and how he interpreted it. It wasn't fair, as far as I was concerned. It wasn't fair to Coden that I was here, that he would be around me, given that Nico had admitted that I was the reason why he and Kaitlin would've never worked out. Because he chose me.

Whether it was my intention or not, I was the reason why Coden never had any sort of stability. How am I supposed to forgive myself for that?

"I don't think that's a good idea," I voiced, shaking my head. My stomach churned as I waited for his response but, before it could come, a mop of blond hair emerged from his bedroom.

Coden bounced over to us, completely unaware of the tension culminating in the room, and held out his hand to show us a small doll.

"Daddy, you got me the new one!" He exclaimed, wrapping an arm around his dad's legs as his other arm held the doll tightly in his grip. "Thank you! Thank you!"

Nico smiled down at his son, eyes crinkling at the sides.

"Mommy said I couldn't play with dolls but Uncle Brayden said she's stupid." Coden continued, making me bite my lip in order to prevent myself from laughing. Of course Brayden called Kaitlin stupid. "I knew you'd let me, Daddy. You're the best!"

"Me?" He gasped dramatically, pointing a finger to himself. "No, you're the best!"

At his son's delight, Nico's mouth curled into a smile as he ruffled his son's hair. "You can play with whatever you want when you're here, Codes."

Just before I had a chance to make a quiet exit, Coden's small eyes shot to me and rendered me motionless.

"Do you remember Kezz, bubs?" Nico asked gently, nudging his son in an attempt to direct his attention away from me. It didn't seem to work well though as, this time, we didn't have Brayden or Frankie here to distract him from my presence.