the art of letting go

nine - hating you *

the art of hating you

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reminder: chapters with an * in the title contain smut

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Forgiveness is a topic that borders a range of different feelings for me.

In general, it's controversial. Many people agree and disagree on whether it's necessary. A lot of people disagree on what is worthy of forgiveness as a whole too.

The claim that forgiveness is vital to your inner peace is interesting. The suggestion that we could die at any moment and the same could be said for anyone around us, so forgiveness should be given for peace of mind. Or the suggestion that forgiveness should be given for a person's sake.

I've never forgiven someone for my own sake. If that suggestion was applied to the situation with my Mother, I'd probably laugh in the individual's face. I've worked hard for my anger. I've worked hard to get to a place where I appreciate myself enough to hate them for putting me through that agony.

Everyone in your life will have a last day and, let's be realistic, nobody knows when that may be. That doesn't mean you have to forgive everybody for the sake of consoling someone else's beliefs. You don't have to be okay with someone being horrible to you, especially if you don't deserve that treatment. As a matter of fact, some people simply don't feel healed by forgiving those who hurt them. Some people's abusers die and they still can't find closure. What's the point of forcing yourself into a situation that you might not want to be in for something that won't help, that won't heal.

Fuck forgiveness.

If you did something, you meant it. That's that.

If you made that choice, that's yours. You can't take that back. Do everything with your whole heart and never make a decision without being able to back it up. Doing something without reason tends to imply that you're not worthy of being forgiven.

Nico wasn't a person who became annoyed easily. He could control the pages of his temper as easily as one would a thought.

His boxing tended to come from a place of desperation rather than bottled-up wrath that had spent years replicating into something deadly. It was smart, as that rage tended to lead to mistakes. The inability to control one's emotional state usually ended with people being left more bruised from when their event started.

Nico had messaged me asking me to come round to his apartment. The text was blunt, a sentence long before it was followed with his address.

Knocking on his door, I expected a little more of a welcome than the door just being thrown open and Nico storming into his living room before either of us could even mutter a word. I followed him silently, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"What's going on?" I asked before he managed to even speak. "Nico, I swear to-"

He swerved around at the sound of my voice, jaw tight. "You got something to tell me?"

My mind went blank as I searched my memory for something happening. Nothing had happened with Brayden lately, or Kareem for that matter.

I shook my head blankly, "I don't think so, why?"

His eyebrow raised, "So you've forgotten that you got asked out on a date?"

Fucking Frankie.

"So what?" I retorted, crossing my arms over my chest. "Is that any of your business?"