the art of letting go

thirty - staying golden

the art of staying golden

- - -

After spending an obscene amount of time packing our suitcases, Nico and I were finally ready to relax before our flight.

My brother and his little group of merry men had arrived in LA just a couple of hours ago, ready for the event of the year and preparing for our upcoming arrival within the next couple of days. Persuading Nico to come with me to visit my family didn't take any persuasion, which was always fun.

We'd be in LA for the next two weeks and then we'd be back for me to start preparing for returning to College. Now the band had finished their two albums, they were back in LA indefinitely. The next tour was being planned but once these two albums were out and toured, their contract with their management was finally up and they could move onto something new.

And better.

Coming back to New York this time would be a completely fresh start. Everything that ever held me back was going to be left where it belonged - in the past. Nothing else was going to hold me back.

So there was just one more thing that I needed to do.

It was hard to explain, because Shaylah was my best friend, and Frankie was my favorite person, and there was so much love in my heart for Brayden, but Kady was always different. I owed her something unreachable and unexplainable. She was my tie to a part of my soul that I'd fought desperately to diminish, the person who kept me alive at fourteen and fifteen while I just left her burnt. When all I wanted to do was sink into the darkness, she'd kept me afloat and I'd never treated her the way she truly deserved.

It was easy to brush off our past with the excuse that we were young, but that didn't change the fact that I'd hurt her. Deliberately or not, I'd still hurt her and I had no right to dictate whether my actions, regardless of intentions, did that or not.

Kady looked like she'd just finished a workout when I found her in the Gym, sweaty and exhausted.

"Hey," I started off hesitantly, because I'd not quite considered what I wanted to say yet.

If Kady was confused by my sudden arrival, she didn't show it. Always so elegant. "Hey, boo."

Boo. Kady was always one for pet names. She'd only started calling me boo after we broke up, though. It sent me back to those nights of us screaming in each other's faces, desperate tears and Kady's promise to be better. She never needed to be better.

"I'm heading to LA," I said, "Tomorrow."

Kady nodded, picking up her water bottle from where she'd left it on the side of the workout mat. "Yeah, Brayden mentioned. Nico's going with you, right?"

Whether she would admit it out loud or not, I knew that I'd left her broken. We were young, and vulnerable, and I adored her. It just wasn't enough to keep us strong. I was so busy trying to fix myself that I harmed her in the journey.

"Yeah, I just need a minute." I said slowly, taking a deep breath. "I need to tell you something, but I need to think about it. I'm awful at explaining things but I think we both need this because I'll regret it if I come back here without giving you the explanation that you deserved all those years ago."

This captured her attention, eyelashes sprayed out on her soft cheeks. Her eyebrows furrowed, jaw tightening as if she was trying to contain her expression and keep herself under control. This was totally the wrong place to have this conversation but I was scared if I didn't say it now, I never would.

"You are one of the best people that I've ever met," I started off sincerely. My fingers fidgeted with the end of my sleeves nervously, but I meant every word. "You didn't deserve what I put you through. You didn't deserve to put up with my shit, and you didn't deserve to be made to feel the way I made you feel. I was hotheaded and angry and sad and instead of dealing with that myself like a normal human being, I projected. I projected onto you. You did everything you could to help me and I did nothing but leave you when you needed me the most."