the art of letting go

thirteen - insistence *

the art of insistence

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We ended up back at my apartment the moment our ice cream was done. I had a couple of days lecture-free from College, with only a couple of assignments left to proof-read, which meant that I was able to get a well-needed break.

Nico was eyeing me from across the room, a certain glimmer in his eye that I recognized from many nights when I was seventeen. Pretending to be oblivious, I replied to a few texts from Kareem and Sacha before heading towards my bedroom so I could get changed. The whole outfit ensemble was always cute until all I wanted in the world was to curl up in my bedclothes.

My head swarmed with thoughts that I'd rather remain unsaid. We'd decided to be friends, just friends, and just friends didn't do the things that I was picturing in my mind. So I headed towards my bedroom and hoped that Nico's thoughts hadn't headed in the same direction mine had.

Unfortunately, I don't usually get what I want.

Which also meant that Nico must've interpreted my unstated decision as an invitation.

His front was to my back instantly, nose running along my head as I let my head lull back onto his shoulder. His hand moved down to my thigh, using his grip to nudge me around until we were facing each other. My mouth stayed shut, leaving me vulnerable to his desires because, despite all of my adversities, I didn't want him to stop.

Nico's grip on my thigh tightened until he moved his hand to my ass, pulling me closer. My hands fell to his shoulders, breathing into the air behind him as he sucked on my neck in different spots. Tethering on my neck, his tongue lapped over the marks he was creating, heart beating rapidly against my chest. I wrapped my hand in his hair, tugging on the loose strands as I let out a soft gasp.

Within a second, his lips were removed from my neck and replaced with a large hand wrapping around my throat. He slammed me up against the wall, hard enough to leave me breathless as I smirked at him. He snaked closer to me, knee between my legs as he grabbed one of my thighs and tugged me higher, until my legs were wrapped around his waist.

Noticing my smirk and responding to it with one of his own, he let go of my throat and started kissing my neck again, sucking and biting harder than before. I hissed when his teeth grazed across a particularly sensitive spot, my head lulling back as I let the tension build in my stomach.

Then, like a wave of ice-cold water, every rational thought washed over me, submerging me in a realization that made my stomach twist. I promised myself that I wouldn't let us do this again. It wasn't fair to either of us. I was getting too deep into my feelings for Nico, and I knew deep down that his had never faltered.

Just friends don't do things like this. Just friends don't harbour feelings that will never go away if things like this keep happening.

I couldn't do that to him again. I couldn't put us both in that situation and then rip my own heart open in the name of keeping us both safe in the long run. I wouldn't survive it.

Seventeen, and I loved him so much that it burnt away at my heart. Seventeen, and I wanted nothing more than to stay right beside him forever, even when his son was born. I trusted and loved him so much that I was willing to dismantle every single wall that I had built around myself, and completely ruin everything that I'd done to protect myself.

I couldn't let myself do that again. I couldn't allow myself to become so vulnerable, to let him have so much power over me that just one wrong decision could send the loose walls encasing me crashing down.