Outsider

how am i supposed to fix this?-17

We walk on thin ice for the next few days. Our plans to tell Strauss are completely derailed, and the team dynamic is noticeably affected as Spencer completely ignores Elle and snaps at me at every possible moment.

Worst of all, Elle doesn't stay at my apartment. She spends nights at her own place for a few nights, which hurts the most. We hadn't really discussed it, and it had been somewhat awkward between us. We have a few tense conversations, more akin to arguments, before complete silence between us. Logically I know we both could benefit from the space, but it pains me that we're even in this situation at all. And it's my fault.

After our next case, I take personal days. I've got a few weeks worth stored up, and I start by telling Hotch I'm taking one. The one turns into two, then three, then an entire week. I haven't seen or talked to Elle, overwhelmed by the dread and nausea that I feel constantly.

I ignore a call from Gideon, and texts from Penelope, and numerous calls from Morgan. Hotch buys my excuse of 'family matters', and though I feel bad lying, it works. However, Morgan isn't quite so gullible. On the eighth day of my leave, I drag myself off the couch to answer the pounding on the door.

"What?" I snap, pulling it open, fully expecting my landlord or a neighbor.

"Christ, Sawyer." Morgan says, face twisting into concern.

"Why are you here?"

"You haven't been to work in a week." He says, making an effort to come in. I block him and glare.

"I'm taking time off. I have days."

"Yeah, but you look like hell. No way this is a pleasure vacation."

"I don't have to explain myself to you, Derek." I say and he stops my attempt to shut the door on him.

"Eh, you're not getting rid of me that easily." He says.

"Morgan!"

"I have thai." He says, holding up a bag I hadn't noticed before. I think for a second and then release my grip on the door.

"Fine." He smiles and comes in, closing the door. He glances around and raises his eyebrows.

"Dude."

"Shut up." I say, grabbing the bag from him. I'd admittedly not really been eating, and knew the food would be good for me. I dig the food out of the bad as Morgan opens my windows, the breeze filtering in.

"Level with me, Sawyer." He says, sitting next to me at the island.

"What?"

"Does this have anything to do with Elle?" I freeze and stare at him. "Come on, Sawyer. You can't seriously think I haven't figured it out."

"I-"

"Don't bother trying to lie."

"Derek, I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad." He says, rubbing my back. "So it has to do with Elle?"

"Yeah. It's not her fault. It's-It's Spencer. Well, it's not his fault. It's mine. It's really, really my fault."

"Alright. Tell me. Everything." I sigh and the launch into the story. He doesn't seem too surprised by most of it.

"Look, Sawyer, I'm gonna be honest." He says as I finish. "You fucked up."

"Morgan, I'm aware!"

"But it's not completely your fault. You and Elle were worried about your jobs. And hurting Spencer. I get it. But you could have handled that situation better."

"Are you trying to make me feel worse?" I get up and drop onto the couch. He follows, sitting next to me.

"You-Sawyer, just listen."

"You have a chance to fix this. Spencer is hurt, but he cares about Elle too much to stay mad at her. And he can get over it with you."

"I don't care if he gets over it with me. I've resigned myself to him hating me. But I screwed up him and Elle, and I feel like shit about it."

"He and Elle are speaking. They had an all out yelling match in the conference room, and then got dragged into Hotch's office. They've been cordial ever since."

"So then..."

"They're fine. The issue here is you." My mouth gapes open and he groans.

"Didn't mean it like that. What I mean, is you disappeared on us, pissed off Spencer, and haven't talked to Elle."

"She hasn't talked to me either."

"She's miserable without you, Sawyer."

"She could have called."

"Would you have picked up?" He asks and I fall silent.

"You love her too much to let her go, that much is clear. But right now you need to get your head out of your ass and fix it."

"How the hell am I supposed to fix this, Derek? I really fucked up." I whisper and he sighs, wrapping his arm around me.

"You can fix this." He squeezes my shoulder. "You're gonna get up and take a shower, we're gonna clean up this chaos-" He gestures to my mess of an apartment. "You're going to call Elle and ask to meet her. Tomorrow, you guys are gonna tell Strauss, and then you're gonna have to give Spencer one hell of an apology."

"I hate that I have to apologize to him. Elle is my girlfriend."

"Yeah, it's a mess. But he's mostly upset about the lying."

"Whatever."

"Hey, don't mistake this as me being against him. Kid's like a brother to me. I am on both of your sides."

"I know, Morgan." I huff, standing up. "I'm showering." I take a much-needed shower and clean up my room and bathroom before returning to the main room to find Morgan working on the kitchen. It's not that horrible of a mess, but the horrible state I'd been in was obvious

We make quick work of the apartment and then I call Elle, holding onto Morgan's hand for moral support.

"Hello?" She says and I breathe a sigh of relief that she's answered.

"Hi. It's me. Sawyer."

"I know." She says.

"I'm sorry." I blurt into the phone. "I screwed up. And I didn't mean to fuck things up with Spencer, and now we're, well, whatever we are. And I'm sorry." Frankly, it's a pathetic apology.

"Sawyer it's not all on you. We decided together to not tell him."

"I guess. Elle, I'm sorry."

"Come over."

"Yes." I say immediately. "Now?"

"Yes. Please. Yes." Her vice breaks slightly and my heart sinks, wondering if I'm going only to be broken up with. I don't think I can handle that.

"Okay. I'm on my way."

"Okay." She hangs up and I suck in a deep breath.

"Morgan-"

"Shut up and go get your girl."

"Okay." I say and pull on my shoes. I grab my wallet and keys and wrap my arms around Morgan, thanking him quietly before following him down to the parking lot. We get in our cars and I start driving, hoping with all my heart that I'm not driving to the end of the happiest time of my life.

okay, so i am the most inconsistent person at updating, i'm sorry. honestly not sure if i liked this chapter, on account of the fact that i convince myself that i suck at writing every other day lol

hope you enjoyed! your reads, votes, and comments mean so much to me!! also- i'm starting writing my new book which i've decided is going to be emily and an oc that's spencer's sister(someone requested that and i'm in love with the idea) i'll let you all know when that's due to come out!! love u guys- sasha <3