Picture Perfect - Book 3 - Q.F.

Props

A/N: Not one of my favorite chapters, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!

"Porcelain, Weezy, Lady-Lover, you created a monster." Coach Sylvester said as she watched the three kids walk into the room. "They're calling Jesse St. James a visionary, and lauding Vocal Adrenaline for their ongoing commitment to diversity."

"But Jesse St. James was against Unique performing as his true magical self." Kurt said.

"No, we were the ones who convinced him to do that." Mercedes agreed.

"Well, then, you only have yourselves to blame." Coach Sylvester said as Piper frowned. "And the liberal media."

"Not really." Piper said. "It was your idea."

"I have no memory of that." The coach said, as Piper rolled her eyes. "In any case, Unique is now a show choir celebrity. He/She will trounce us at Nationals, and I will lose my Cheerios to Coach Roz Washington. I will not let that happen. We have but one choice left to us: it's time to fight fire with the flaming flames of additional flamey gay fire. Porcelain, you will wear this flapper dress and perform at Nationals as Porcelina. You already have the lady gait and the lady voice, and you'll have to start smoking, though, because this dress is a size two. "

At that, Piper and Mercedes turned to look at Kurt as he stared at coach Sylvester, clearly offended as the woman held up a dress for him.

"Okay, just because I'm gay does not mean I like to dress up like a woman." He said, as coach Sylvester sighed.

"What about Halloween, Kurt?" Mercedes asked, recalling last Halloween when Kurt and Blaine decided to go out a couple dressed a heterosexual couple.

At that, Piper shuddered.

"Oh, don't remind me. I'm still traumatized."

"Okay, that was a Halloween costume, and it is a far cry from starting out on the stage at Nationals in a dress." Kurt defended himself, as he glared at his two best friends as they just laughed. Rolling his eyes at her, he turned to look at coach Sylvester again. "Which is absolutely out of the question."

"Well, then, the New Directions will lose." The woman said, before throwing the dress at Kurt. "Hate to say it, kiddo, but if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline at Nationals, it's tuckin' time."

***

"Nationals." Mr. Schue said as all the kids clapped and cheered. "Okay, song selection: we'll be kicking off our Vintage theme with the legendary Jim Steinman's Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Rachel will do the solo, It's All Com..."

"Coming Back to Me Now." Rachel interrupted as everyone rolled their eyes at her. "One of Celine Dion's most powerful ballads, inspired by Wuthering Heights."

"And we'll be working in a new Treble Tones number, utilizing the talents of our featured performer, Porcelina Hummel." Coach Sylvester said, as Mercedes and Piper turned to look at the boy who just shook his head.

"Not gonna happen, Dragon Lady."

"Oh, you'll do as you're told, he/she." The woman insisted. "We will be performing What A Feeling, from Flashdance, and I'm familiar with the choreography, of course, because I was Jennifer Beals' dance double. And on that note, please look under your seats."

At that, everyone did as they were told, Piper frowning a bit when she found a box under her chair.

"Welding helmets and leg warmers?" Finn asked, as he went through his box.

"Best way to get props is to use props." Coach Sylvester said. "A healthy dose of props, and our plucky transsexual Porcelina, and you are over the top."