Rebel Red Hope

9

     My eyes squint as a harsh light hits my face causing me to throw an arm over my face, but the moment doesn't last, launching myself up to a sitting position with my legs crossed, and take a quick look around. My stomach drops upon realizing, the cold, dead-looking, cinderblock walls of my L-shaped room staring back at me. My chest wants to let out a scream of agony but my lips stay sealed while my hands start to creep up to my head, but something in my hand catches my eye. Immediately bringing it down in front of me, the tears stream down my face, burning almost.

     The yellow flower, still fresh stays clutched in my hand by the stem. My eyes blur with even more tears that drip onto the petals as the only sound to come out of my mouth are small, quiet, sad, breathy sobs that rack my whole body as I clutch the flower to my chest. The tears aren't for me though. They were for the other Banditos that might have gotten caught because of my recklessness as well as for Clancy and Josh who I hope and pray made it out. 

     Falling back to the floor, I wipe my tears with my sleeve and lay there for an unknown amount of time, my emotions fucking up again as the doubt crawls back into my mind. Everything becomes confusing again. Were the Banditos really safe? Is it really better here? The only reason I know I made it out was because of the flower and my jacket. My jacket. 

     Unknown rage builds up and without a second thought, I fling the flower across the room and struggle to get out of the jacket, my hands and body shaking the entire time while I tear off each piece of tape, crumple it up, and throw it across the room with the flower.  At some point, the beanie is thrown across the room as well, but the tape was something that needed to be gone. 

     As the rage starts to subside, my body is racked with sobs once again. This time full of regret from destroying the jacket that they made for me. The tape they had blessed me with. The love I felt putting it on for the first time. All gone now.

     A Watcher screeches outside my window, and I immediately stand up and storm to my window,

     "WHY WON'T YOU LET ME GO?" I scream in broken sobs, "AM I THAT MUCH OF A THREAT?" I scream louder, "AM I REALLY THAT MUCH OF A MONSTER?" 

     Falling to the ground and turning so my back is pressed against the wall, "what have I become?" I whisper, sobs wracking my body. 

     I could feel the pull of the Neon beckoning me once again. The same pull that always caused me to forget. Would forgetting be easier? 

     Resting my arms on my knees and the side of my head on my folded arms, my eyes rest on the flower still sitting next to me. Hesitating for a moment, my hand moves seemingly on its own to pick it up as my eyes examine the yellow pedals. Pushing it gently to my nose, the smell makes me smile with the memory of picking small flowers during that short spring in the cave with Clancy. All the color of the world outside these dead walls. Sure, the familiar patterns of Dema are good and normal and easy, but the beauty of Trench was beautiful and worth every second.

     Taking a moment to collect myself and stand again, my eyes wander my room. A smile forms on my lips as my eyes rest on my backpack. At least Reisdro was kind enough to carry let me keep it. Making my way over to it, my mind starts racing. I know this feeling. This is the Neon taking over. Calling for me. Still clutching the flower in my hand, I get to my bag and drop to the floor, unzip it, pull out my sketchbook and pencils, and sit against the wall next to it and start sketching.

     Before long, the sketchbook is half full with rough sketches of the scenery of Trench, the banditos I can remember names for, Tyler, Clancy, Josh, and different flowers that are immediately hanged on the wall in front of my bed with scraps of yellow tape I could salvage from my moment of rage.