letters

Tord's Letters

I forgive you.

I'm sitting on my bed and tears are blocking my vision. I carved your name into my leg and I just want to touch you. I love you so much.

I want to see you so bad. The cut ended up getting a little infected. I need to touch you, Tom, I don't know if I'll survive this.

I want to kill myself. I really do.

I've started having panic attacks at random moments. When I have them, I can't breathe and I can't move and I cry. I don't know why they happen.

Euphoria. The blade sinks into your flesh and you feel the blood coming out. It tears through your skin and everything is numb. You can't hear anything but your own heartbeat. It's always the same and it always feels good.

I haven't slept in a week. I'm too scared to. I miss you.

I can't breathe without the thought of you next to me. I'm going crazy... This is my decent into madness... I'm logging myself going insane.

I know why you love alcohol so much.

When I was a kid, I had a lot of confidence. People would complement me and I believed it. As I got older, however, I started doubting it. Everything they told me, I thought it was a lie. Every positive complement I got was turned into a, they're lying. Not a, See, they like it. I doubted everything.
As I grew, my standards got higher and higher and I didn't see how bad it was getting. It started seeping into my self-image and I decided I wasn't good enough.
I starved myself. I remember one day I only ate one-quarter of an apple and a sip of cola.
look how in control you are.
It was painful practically starving myself every day. It was so cold and sad and dark all the time and all I wanted to do was die. I kept getting knocked down. Over and over again but I kept fucking going. I had no reason to, you see, I had nothing to look forward to. I had nobody. I didn't tell anyone what was going on in my life. Nobody knew what I was going through. I put on my mask and tried to act so normal, I wasn't myself. I was a stranger to myself. Tom, I broke through when I moved and met you. I was recovering all alone. And I did jump back.
Now, I'm starving again. I don't know what to do.

Hey, Tom! God, is it safe to say that I miss you? Haha, maybe not. I'm sure you're having a major problem with me right now. Will you give me just a moment to explain?

So, at this point in time, I am dead.

"What?"

But none of it is your fault, okay? It was bound to happen.

"No—"

The thing with Eduardo...I mean, it was obviously fake. You know what sucks? Is that everyone else knew that it was fake...except you. The person that I needed to understand was the only one who didn't.

You were gone, and Eduardo approached me. He told me that if I didn't do what he said he'd hurt you guys. Crazy, right? I don't know why I believed him.

But after people have been fucking with you all day long, I guess you forget what's real.

So I'm sorry. But can we talk about the good?

You made me so happy. I loved being with you and everything you did was inspiring to me. You were my first real everything. You were my first real kiss, my first real boyfriend, and my very first time. You made me a risk taker, and I loved that. You got me to try new things and that was beautiful. In the end, even your last words were beautiful.

Kill yourself.

Out of no one else's mouth would those words be beautiful. Except yours.

I love you, forever and always Tom. But I have to say goodbye for now. Maybe some time again.

"Tord..." Tom whispered. "This is my fault," Tom shook his head.

"Fuck!" he stood and threw his phone at the wall. The screen shattered, but the phone still worked. Tom violently wiped off his tears. He wasn't going to cry. Not now. He grabbed paper and pen from his book bag and started to write.