Josh is making me anxious. He keeps looking at me with a look that I can only guess means he's trying to read my mind. Today he's been very quiet and it's not like him. He always talks a lot so what's different today?
"Say something," he orders as he's looking at me.
What? No, I can't.
I give him a look to say I can't and he looks frustrated. "You can! I heard you not even a week go! You can talk, so talk. I want to talk to you," he says getting upset with me.
My stomach twists as he says this. I really can't. I wish I could but I can't. I shake my head no very slowly. "Oli please. Do you know what you said to me the day you got hit?" He asks. I shake my head again. I don't know what I said, I don't even believe I did say something.
"Well, it wasn't nice and I want you to tell me that you were just saying that. I want you to tell me why you said that and also why the fuck you stabbed Hannah," he snaps.
I look away from him and ignore him the best I can. I don't know what he's talking about but he's hurting my feelings. Josh isn't supposed to yell at me.
"Please? Just say my name. Anything..." He pleads.
I can't! I can't talk! I wish I could! Tears of frustration and sadness fill my eyes threatening to spill.
If I was able to talk I would have been able to get out of that place a long time ago. I really can't talk. He should know that. He shouldn't try to force me to do something I can't do.
"Olive? No, don't cry," he says softly as he knees down in front of me. He reaches forward and wipes away the few tears that's run down my cheek. "I'm sorry sweetie, I'm just... I really want to hear your thoughts and I know it's possible. You just have to try," he explains now holding Both of my hands gently.
He gets up and kisses my hot cheek. "I'll make lunch," he tells me quietly before leaving.
-
A month later nothings changed except my body doesn't hurt as much. My wrist is out of it's cast but my left arm and leg are still broken. My ribs also feel much better.
I've gained a new level of clarity but I can't express it because I'm still very much mute and can't even walk.
Josh has a new job so he's not here much but if he's not here then Gerard or Frankie is. I've never once seen Kellin, apparently he lives here but he truly lives with his fiancé.
In the past month I've gathered that he's really shy.
I've also learned that everyone who lives here is queer in some way. Gerard is pan, Frankie is bi, Josh is gay, Kellin is gay and I'm... Gay? Yeah, I don't like girls. I only like Josh.
Like...
I like him more than just liking him..
It doesn't help that he's really sweet to me all the time. He calls me pet names and we cuddle when we watch movies and when we sleep at night... In the same bed.
Every once in a while he's ask me to talk but that never goes smoothly. I know I can't so why would I try?
Right now I'm on his bed with my journal in my hands. I haven't been able to understand my writing yet but sometimes when I try I remember little unimportant things. Josh is taking a bath so there's nothing better to do besides look at my writing.
I can read important words like 'the' 'he' 'it' 'and' and words like that now but that doesn't help much. I open the journal and look at it.
Josh asked if he could look in it once but since I shook my head no, he's never seen this... I'm tempted to make him read it to me but I feel like there's stuff in here I don't want anyone to see...
