Desiderium: longing for something that has been lost

Chapter 15

a/n: sorry if anyone was actually invested in this lol, i'm studying bio at school rn, and i'm in my junior year. Once i graduate i want to get into med school and that requires good grades so all my focus goes into school. But let us see what i get out here. 

"when it is dark enough, you can see the stars"---ralph waldo emerson

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Las Vegas

February 19, 2008

3:02 pm

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JJ sat down quietly on a chair near the door, watching Spencer look around the room. He was breathing quickly and she glanced over at Morgan. Before she had a chance to reassure him, he spoke up again. 

"So why am I in a safe house?" He pushed himself off the bed and unsteadily crossed the room to look out the window. "The, uh, past few days have been slightly blurry." He rocked back and forth on his heels, placing one hand against the glass. 

Morgan cleared his throat, "How much do you remember?"  

JJ shifted and glanced at Morgan again. Getting Spencer to come to this on his own terms was crucial, and they really needed to see where his head was at right about now. 

Spencer didn't say anything for a few seconds instead tapping a finger quickly against the window.  There was a pattern to the taps, Morgan found, a quick one-two, one-two, a fast heartbeat playing out against the glass. 

"I don't remember much, Agent Morgan. Just flashes of light and faces, I remember you and, you though, I'm sorry I don't remember your name." He breathed out a long breath and turned to face the two. "The last time I had this much clarity was nearly twelve days ago." He turned back to the window. "Even then it was a mistake and it only lasted for," He cocked his head, "forty-nine minutes and 56 seconds." 

JJ breathed out a sigh. "I'm sorry Spencer." 

He shrugged. "I needed it." A beat of silence passed and he moved to another window. "So, why am I here, in your safe house with the illustrious BAU of the FBI?" 

 "It's about your parents."

His back stiffened, and in the reflection the two agents caught the noticeable flinch. Gently, he traced a rain drop down the window before finally answering. 

"They're dead." His voice was flat. "Been dead a long, long time." His finger squeaked on the glass and he shivered away from it. 

JJ had caught the change in his inflection, she knew he was bolstering himself from opening up any old traumas, and by beginning to dissociate from them, he would protect himself.  She knew what they were going to ask him involved him searching those painful memories, a feat that he would most certainly try and protect himself from. 

By the looks of it Morgan had caught the catch too. "I know kid. I'm sorry."

Spencer finally turned around from the window, his eyes slightly unfocused. "When do I go back?" At the agents confused look, he flung his arms in the air. "Back to my room, and all my books. " He gave them another wary glance. "That's what this is, I help you, you get the bad guy and I go back to my room." When they didn't answer, he swallowed thickly. "That is what's going to happen, right?" He began to pace, slightly upset that the plan that he had carefully laid out was not going to be followed through. "I help you, you help everyone else, and then I go home. That's, that's the plan." 

Morgan swallowed thickly and sat down on the bed. 

"No." JJ's voice shook slightly, but she was standing, her arms folded tightly against her chest. "No, Spence, you're not going to go back there. When this is all over with and it's safe for you to leave, we'll, I'll go with you and we'll get your stuff, and then we'll figure something out, ok? But you're not going back there."