Desiderium: longing for something that has been lost

Chapter 25

"sometimes, there is nothing that you can do, sometimes they don't have enough to fight back with"--- tamora pierce

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Las Vegas 

February 21, 2008

4: 54 pm

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Hotch turned off the ignition, and sat, slumped down in the seat of car, staring at the building in front of him. 

An officer had offered to drive him, but he had brushed him off. He needed to do this himself. He ran a hand through his hair, and his shoulder flared out in pain. 

He'd watched his team leave and he'd spent almost an hour pacing, watching the phone, waiting, begging for someone to let him know if the three made it out. 

Emily had called him, her voice so distinctly unlike hers, that he had to pause and process that this shaky voice on the other side of the speaker belonged to that strong, powerful agent. He had closed his eyes, and dropped to a seat, commanding her to tell him the news. 

When she had, he stayed where he was, eyes fixed on the opposite wall, fingers playing nervously with the strap of his sling. He'd gotten up, grabbed his keys, and walked out to the nearest vehicle. 

And now he was here, at the hospital, head resting against the steering wheel, trying to get the strength to get out of the car, and courage to face his team. 

He was met with a gush of cold air as the doors slid open. Emily must have been waiting for him, because as he walked in, she appeared at his side.

"How are you doing." He knew she found them first. He also knew that she wouldn't process this until she absolutely had to. 

She shrugged, and handed him a coffee. "As well as can be expected." 

They continued on in silence, Emily leading him to the trauma unit, and waiting room. Before she reached the double doors that lead into the waiting room, she turned on him, a questioning look in her eyes. "Hotch. I did the right thing back there right?" Her eyes searched his, and he let out a small sigh. "Because right now, I'm thinking that I could have done so many other things and I don't know maybe..." Her voice trailed off and a tear trailed down her face. 

"Emily, you had no choice." He watched the tear fall, and he felt his heart break. "Everything you did at that exact time, at that exact moment, was exactly what needed to happen." She turned away, and he stepped back to look at her. "Everyone is alive, now. Because of you."

She gave him a tiny nod, and a shaky smile. "I just keep on hearing those screams, and I've seen things and I've done things, but..." She shook her head. "I want to go home, Hotch. I want to go home, and I want to drink this all away."

He squeezed her shoulder. "You and me both." 

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If the rest of the team, noted the fresh tear tracks on Emily's face, or the amount of time it took for Hotch to meet up with them, they didn't comment. Rossi nodded at him, and focused back on the tiled ground. JJ smiled up at Emily, her eyes refilling with tears. 

Hotch sat down between the two, and winced. It had been a moment since his last dosage, and he could feel the intense throbbing in his shoulder. 

"How's Morgan?" He addressed the wall opposite him. 

JJ's voice answered him. "He's being treated for shock and a moderate concussion in a room right now. He's pretty out of it Hotch." 

Hotch nodded. "And Garcia?"