Desiderium: longing for something that has been lost

Chapter 38

"it was written that i should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice" -- joseph conrad

__________

Quantico

March 20, 2008

4:00 

_________

Dear Mom, 

I don't know what to say. 

Recently I've had more and more memories come back, forcefully. I wasn't even aware that I had repressed all of that, but the more that comes back, the more I wish I hadn't remembered.

My therapist advised me to call her whenever a particularly disturbing or traumatizing one comes back and I hadn't the heart to tell her that all of them were. So I haven't. I talk to Derek instead, I'm sure he doesn't mind when I call him. He said he didn't mind, but recently I have been calling him at like three in the morning, and I don't know if he's all too fond of that. 

I'll tell you about the memories though. 

One came to me last night, as I was getting ready for bed, Rossi found me on the floor of the bathroom, shaking and staring off into god knows where. I couldn't even talk. God I hate it when I can't communicate even basic needs. 

Anyways, a good percentage of my time in the institution is clouded on an account of the medication I was on, and this memory that came back to me must have broken through the fugue state.

Damn my memory. 

I was held down, restrained at all points, and they were watching me, just scream and scream and all I could see were their eyes through the windows, distant and calculating, like I was some rat and they were the scientists. I was in that room for days. 

When Derek heard it, he cursed and came over, standing awkwardly in front of me like he didn't know quite how to communicate his feelings. 

It's ok, though, I don't either. We make a great pair, don't we? 

He stayed the night, jostling me awake from my night terrors and keeping my mind occupied, a true feat.

I never thought that I'd be friends with someone like Derek Morgan, and he's the closest thing I have to a brother. 

I'm slowly learning how to live. How to experience everything I missed out on. Rossi has drawn up lists of things to do, and while I'm hesitant on a good majority on the things he has planned, I'm excited to at least see the beach. 

I've decided I'm not showing this one to my therapist either, but instead I'll put it in the box with the others.

Your dedicated son, 

Spencer Reid.

__________

Morgan set a coffee down on Garcia's desk and grinned at her. "Hey Garcia." 

She beamed up at him. "Oh, you. You absolute doll. You read my mind." She took a sip and sighed. "Heavenly." 

He pulled up a seat next to her and sat down next to her. "You busy right now?"

She shook her head. "No, just finishing up some quarterly stuff, but I can always make some time for you. What's up?"

He took a long sip. "I was just wondering how you were doing. You know, you tend to hide things and I just wanted to make sure you were doing ok."