Desiderium: longing for something that has been lost

Chapter 35

"from the anguish of life/ stories of love" -- e. a. carter

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Quantico 

March 1, 2008

11:00 pm

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Emily tucked her ID back into her purse and made her way into the vibrant bar. It hadn't been her first pick, and she had been shocked when she learned that this small little bar was Hotch's go to place. She could see him now, sitting at a booth, staring down at his drink, deeply reflective. 

She took a deep breath, and dodging the other patrons of the place, slid in the seat across of him, placing her purse beside her. 

"Hi," she felt giddy, and sternly she had to remind herself that he was married with a son. This was a get together, to unwind, to process, nothing more. Nothing like that. Her heart still beat frantically in her chest and she hoped she didn't look as desperate as she felt. 

"Emily, hi." He smiled wanly up at her, and her soul burst into sunbeams. Hold it together her ass. "Finally having this drink huh?" He laughed bitterly, and pushed a glass towards her. "I went ahead and ordered for you, I didn't think you would mind." 

She grabbed the glass and her fingers brushing his. "No, it's fine." She stared down at the drink, a whisky, neat. "It's what I like." 

He nodded. "Yeah, I know." He took another sip.

"So, how is Haley, and how's Jack?" 

He grimaced. "Haley..." He ran his finger over the rim of the glass. "It's been difficult." 

"Oh, Hotch, I'm so sorry, what's happened?" 

He sighed. "It's just that I'm away for so long, and so unexpectedly, and, she, she didn't marry into this, you know? I used to be a lawyer, a prosecutor. And she just expected, wanted really structure, and for me to be there, for her, and for, for Jack." He gazed out into the swirling lights. "I want to be there for him, I try my hardest to be there for him, he's my son, but somehow," he shrugged again, and Emily could see the shine of tears in his eyes. "I can feel her drawing away from me." 

"Oh, god. Hotch- Aaron, I'm so sorry." 

He shrugged, and rubbed a hand over his face. "It's what happens in this job, you know? Good things, good, pure things get corroded or they have to leave. This job, it doesn't just affect us, directly, it affects everything around us like a disease, and Haley? She wants to save herself from it." 

She grabbed his hand, and he held on tight. 

"And, this case? I almost died Em. And I...don't know how deal with that, Haley doesn't know how to deal with that. I have a son, who I adore, but what kind of father would I be, if my own selfish actions leave him to grow up despising his own father?" The tears glinted on his cheeks. "And oh god, Spencer, I don't even know what to do with him, every day I get the crushing feeling that maybe, maybe we made a mistake, and maybe he was better off in an environment he knew, and not in all this chaos that we forced him into. I just don't even know how to handle that situation."

She had pushed their glasses away, and was holding tightly to him. He looked up into her eyes. 

"And, then there's you." 

She felt her heart stutter to a stop. 

"Emily, it was something about you, that made me hate myself. You showed me my flaws and my weaknesses, and it made me fall all the harder." He managed a teary smile at her. "And I hated that I was weak, and that maybe, I hadn't met my soulmate yet."