Pantomaniac

Chapter 3

The universe always has a balance. Or at least it compromises when things get too ugly. That was what Kef's college buddy once said. Kef used to tease his friend for being so philosophical. If there was one thing he wasn't, it was a person who believed in the law of attraction. Kef would often feel his skin crawling with annoyance each time someone threw a positive light on a situation which, to his eyes, was nothing more than shitty. The only time he endured any trace of philosophy or positive talk was when he was in the police force. But after he left the force, or rather got kicked out, not once did he try to think positively, let alone be positive. Perhaps that was why his life ended up in a never-ending cycle of failure.

But at that moment, as he drove through the dead of the wee morning, a smile crept up his lips when he pictured the face of his old buddy. That lightened his mood. A glimpse of a happy memory in his remorse-flooded mind. Kef was a little relieved that he was on a shorter shift that day. Which meant he could probably get into bed before the sun came up, for once.

It couldn't have come at a better time. All Kef wanted to do at that moment was get out of his guard uniform, take a quick shower and just lose himself in sleep. How did he go from wearing a police uniform to being a man who could not even manage his sleep?

Just when he thought he could finally get a break, he hit the red light. Cursing, Kef accelerated. He did not even slowdown after he passed the junction, letting his car glide on the tarmac as if he was behind the wheels of a Ferrari. At that moment, he afforded himself some delusion. The car was nothing more than regular, with a "bonus" of overdue fixes and years-long loan. Kef hated the fact that he could not afford a better vehicle even though he desperately needed one. But at that very second, he refused to let anymore mishaps dominate whatever's left of his night. So, he sped on.

Until he spotted a small girl with a mask on her face by the roadside.

Kef slammed his foot on the break. The tyres screeched to a halt. For a few seconds, he leaned forward and pressed his forehead on his knuckles. What the hell?? He cursed. Then lifting his head, he looked at the rear mirror. There she was. Looking at his car. Not moving.

Kef's mind crept back to his dream. The smoke. The borderless space that felt like an ocean. The little girl who pulled him without touching him. The suffocating sensation in his throat. It all came rushing back. Kef's knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering. His mind battling between speeding off or stepping out of the car to ask the girl what the hell she wanted.

Before he could decide, the mime turned and started walking into the woods. Something about the way she moved grabbed at Kef's memory. As she continued walking, her hair waved in the air even though there wasn't any breeze. From inside his car, Kef noticed that the trees around the area were still. No, there was no wind. A few seconds later, the road was as empty as it had been before the mime appeared.

Releasing a heavy sigh, Kef leaned his forehead on the steering. Finally allowing the first tear to escape his eyes.

*****

Whatever plans he had about a hot shower left his mind the moment he saw the sofa. As old as it was, it called out to him. Kef plopped himself down. Leaning his head back, he allowed his mind empty out. He took a deep breath and exhaled. The fabric on the furniture was like a blanket, wrapping him in comfort.

First, he told himself to forget about his boss. Then he made a mental note to fix things with his Rina. And his daughter, Maya. But then it hit him.

All he wanted to do was fix things. But how could he have done that when the one thing that needed fixing was no longer there? He turned and stared at the small room at the end of the hall. The one where he stored his precious belongings. There weren't many but there was one that he would not have gone anywhere without.

Kef headed into the room. Standing at the doorway, he turned on the lights. His eyes immediately landed on a pink metal box beside the wall. Kef knelt down beside it and traced his fingers on the cover. A name was engraved on it.

Alisa.

His heart ached, longing to hold her small hands in his. He moved his fingers from left to right, allowing the engraving to bring back the touch of her soft skin on his. The strawberry smell of her hair after her bath. The toothy grin she gave him each time he came home from work. Her high-pitched laughter as he tickled her at night.

His fingers trembled. The memories were heavy. Too heavy for his body to take them in.

As he closed his eyes, tears started dripping down his cheeks. They blended in the longing that invaded his soul with the weight he had been carrying on his shoulders all night. He let everything out. His shoulders shook, first softly then more and more violent. He had been sealing it all in. His longing for the child that had left him. His anger for failing to make the right call. His madness at the world for being unfair. He released everything.

Until he leaned onto the box and cried his heart out.

"Alisa...sayang..."

Kef's cries were muffled as he pressed his face into the metal cover. The surface felt cold against his damp cheek but even that did not sooth his agony. He let himself go for a few minutes until his head began to hurt. Taking in deep breaths, Kef stood up. He used the back of his hands to wipe away his tears. Not able to continue looking at the box, he started exiting the room.

Prangg!

He looked outside. The noise came from upstairs. For a few seconds, Kef did not move. He was alone in that house. It was Rina's. She inherited it from her family and, despite everything they had gone through, she was kind enough to let him use it after their divorce.

Kef tiptoed towards the living room, all the while his neck straining as he looked up at the staircase. He waited to listen if anything else would happen. Silence. Dead. Still.

He did a quick scan and grabbed the nearest object. A vase. Kef stepped onto the wooden staircase. He winced as the plank creaked. Kef held his breath and did not move. He looked up but there was nothing. Yet, he still refused to move. Something must have been up there. The sound was too loud, so loud that he heard it all the way from the back room.

Steadying his breath, Kef climbed up the stairs, careful not to make a sound this time. He never took he eyes off of the top floor. His hands trembled as he approached the final step. The door to his bedroom was right after that.

If someone was waiting to pounce on him, all it took was for that person, or thing, to jump out and shove him down the steps.

Kef took in a deep breath, silently, and jumped right onto the floor. In a swift move, he turned to his left. Kef faced his bedroom door. Its jaw gaped at him. He almost tossed the vase forward but realized there was no one. He was staring at a darkened room, except for the hint of street light creeping behind the curtains.

A sigh of relief escaped his mouth.

Kef lowered his hands. He stepped into the room and turned on the lights. And immediately, his guard came back up.

Pieces of broken glasses lay on the floor by the window. That part of the curtain was moving, the wind from outside making it dance in waves. Kef tightened his grip on the vase. If he thought he had been mistaken, that thought left his mind at that very second. Kef stepped forward, like a panther eyeing its meal.

Leaning his back against the wall, Kef glided forward and approached the bathroom door. This time, he decided to get it over and done with.

Kef lunged and kicked the door open. Someone was looking right back at him. Kef threw the vase right at that person. The guy's face broke! The next thing Kef heard was the sound of glass shattering.

Kef leaned against the wall and shook his head.

He was losing his mind. Now his room is filled with broken glasses. The window. And the mirror. He had broken his own damn mirror, thinking an intruder was about to attack him. Talk about reflection. That was one hell of a reflection.

Deciding to leave the mess in the bathroom for the morning, Kef turned and knelt down by the window. He started picking up the pieces. As he picked the last piece, he almost cut himself when a mime child's reflection appeared. Kef let go of the pieces and turned around, banging his back against the wall.

But there was nothing.