Pantomaniac

Chapter 22

The world felt like it was closing in on Kef. Even as he looked up at the night sky, the vast spread did little to alleviate his suffocation. Teardrops fell down his cheeks every few minutes. Alisa's voice kept playing in his head, banging against his skull, demanding to be heard. Before that, he thought life was sucky. Losing his daughter meant losing his soul. But he was wrong. Losing her only to be haunted by her voice later on was even worse. The incident replayed in his mind like a broken record as he walked home.

Gone was the fear of the bungalow. All there was, was sorrow that ran deep into his soul.

How he wished he had listened to his Rina. She had always said he left things to chance. Living life a little too freely, a little too loose.

A very cliché saying invaded his mind and if his brain had a tongue, it would have tasted sour and bitter. If he could turn back time, he would, Kef thought. His face twisted. How could he think of such a silly wish when he was the reason why it all happened in the first place? He was the reason why Alisa was gone and even she knew that. She had said so in the bungalow.

It was like any other regular visit to the park. Rina was taking Maya for ice-cream. Kef and Alisa were headed for the swings. As always, Rina had reminded Kef not to leave Alisa alone on the swings and all Kef did was lift up his hand to say enough already. He did not even bother to turn and look at his then wife. Alisa was smiling when the swing started moving. When Kef pushed harder, she swung higher and her giggles were so infectious. Even Kef started laughing. His mistake happened minutes later. A seller pushing cart full of plush toys passed by. Kef's eyes landed on a teddy bear and he knew right away Alisa would love it. Telling her to keep swinging, he had gone to get the teddy bear. But when he returned to Alisa, the swing was moving but his daughter was not on it. As he let his eyes travel, he saw Alisa lying face down on the ground. Kef had run towards his daughter. When he got to her, she was no longer breathing, her face against a pool of blood. Alisa had knocked her head against a stone. She had hemorrhaged.

And Rina never forgave him. Even when they finally managed to be nice enough to each other for Maya's sake, he always saw the blame behind her eyes. The look she tried to hide.

The moment he arrived at his house gate, he barged in and ran into the house. Kef was once again sobbing violently. He did not stop. Without even turning on the lights, he ran towards the store room and rushed in.

A hint of smoke crept into his nose. The memory of the fire incident faintly invaded his mind but something else took center stage. Kef knelt beside the toy chest. He grabbed it and hugged it and sobbed. He sobbed with all his heart. His heart ached and ached. Kef wished for the tears to drown his pain but all they did was bring even more agony. So much agony that his head literally started throbbing.

"It's all my fault...my fault...my fault..."

It went on for what felt like hours, until there were no more tears left. Kef stood up. As he was about to walk out of the room, something changed.

"It's all a play," Kef said. He looked blankly at the wall. "A pantomime..."

Kef shook his head. For a few seconds, he tried to recall what he had just uttered. He knew he said something but somehow, he could not remember. What did he say?

*****

It was a bad mistake. A horrible one. Before leaving the house that day, out of habit, Kef checked the news and stumbled upon another report on the missing children. Except this time, the newspaper went even bolder than before. Right below the headline, a row of photographs sat like a graduation portfolio. For a moment he thought they had accidentally printed the wrong photos for the wrong piece of news. But reading the captions, his heart sank.

No, he did not know the children but somehow, he felt like he knew them. There was a whisper at the back of his mind. A voice that fought to be heard. The longer he looked at the photos, the stronger the voice got.

Kef squinted his eyes on a picture of a girl. She had curly hair which screamed of joy. If only the news was about the hope for the younger generation. Her eyes, her mouth...the one with the thin lips, those were what hooked Kef. It was like he had seen them before. He knew it was impossible but somehow, they were familiar. And something else jolted his thoughts. What are the odds of him being haunted by these sickly child mimes while children, human children, are going missing? There had to be a connection, he thought.

His mind drifted further and further into the news, cracking one puzzle after another, only to hit a dead end. Kef sighed. His fingers balled into a fist as his brain strained for an answer.

That was when his phone buzzed. A dreadful feeling washed over him when he saw a message from Rina, instantly making forget about the news he had read.

How was the session?

So, Dr Janet had not told Rina anything, Kef thought. Part of him wanted to close his WhatsApp and simply ignore his ex-wife. But when thought about Maya, he knew that the only way Rina was going to let him near his daughter again was to convince her that everything went well. That he did as she had wanted and that he was better. Yes, that was the most important thing. He had to convince her that he was better.

Awkward. As expected. But she gave me tips. I think it's working.

Kef read and reread the reply before hitting the 'send' button. He even read it out loud. After convincing himself, he hoped that sentence could convince Rina. He sent it.

"Encik Kef..."

Kef turned around. Whatever dreadful emotion he had been feeling since the night before escalated. As Dr Janet walked towards him, his mind rummaged for words. An explanation of why he had fled the previous session.

"We never finished the other day. Are you alright?" Dr Janet asked.

Kef simply nodded. "Sorry. Something came up."

"Encik Kef. I understand, you're going through a hard time. But that's what I'm here for. Besides, Rina is a close friend. I really want to help."

"I know. Sorry. But really, don't worry. I'm fine. In fact, I think we can stop right here. You've helped me a lot."

Dr Janet frowned, realizing too late that she failed to conceal her emotions in that split of a second. "That's not how it works, I'm afraid. I tell you what, how about we switch things up a little? I'm clear this weekend. We could have a longer session. On the house." Dr Janet's lips curled.

Kef breathed in. His patience was eroding. "Really, Dr. I'm fine. I got to go. Thank you."

Kef turned and started walking away when Dr Janet tapped on his shoulder. "No, wait. I-"

"You what??" Kef spun.

All of a sudden, his chest was heaving up and down. He could feel his eyes bulging. By his hips, his fingers had balled in fists and he fought to stay put. At that moment, all he wanted to do was get in the doctor's face. Kef's mind was fuzzy. One part of him questioned his behaviour, the other egging him on.

"I-. Sorry. I was just trying to help. You need to-"

Again, Kef cut her off. "You listen to me!" He stepped closer to the doctor and she automatically took a step back. Her face was full of fear. "You need to turn around and walk away. You do that, or I will drag you by your hair. You hear me??" They were at the sidewalk near a row of shops and people were starting to look. But Kef didn't care. "I said go away!!"

Kef raised his arm and lunged at Dr Janet. Seconds later, Kef felt himself being pulled backwards. An arm was placed tight across his chest, another wrapped around his neck. He fought but could not resist the pull. As he got further away, he saw Dr Janet was already crying. She turned and ran away.

That was when it registered. Kef looked around him. Two guys stared at him, screaming at him but he could hear nothing. What had just happened? Did he just try to attack his psychiatrist?

Kefmanaged to push the arms away from him and he ran away, ignoring the calls fromthe two guys.