In The Mind Of A Genderfluid

Society

Do you ever feel like you're trapped inside your own body? Like everything you ever do in public is never really you?

Because that's how I feel everyday. Recently I realized I might not be the girl everyone sees. But at the same time I've never identified with what everyone thinks a guy should be.

I think of myself as like a ping pong ball being thrown around both genders sometimes falling in between and other times disappearing under some closet.

Sorry, I'm not really good with metaphors,... if you haven't noticed.

Anyway my therapist has asked me to everyday when I wake up write how I'm feeling, meaning if I feel more feminine or masculine and why. To be honest I can write the first part but I still haven't figured out the second. Sometimes I'm not even sure about the first one. There are days that I feel like I'm swimming around the gender spectrum. Or sometimes the rare occasions when I don't feel like any gender I just feel like I'm a person, one that breaths and feels and doesn't like when people are annoying or close minded, or annoyingly close minded. Anyway, she says it'll help her understand what's going on in my mind so she can help me come to terms with my fluidity.

I just really think everyone should be more like her, start appreciating people for who they are and not bothering so much with gender. I know that not everyone feels like this, that most girls are born female, and most guys are born male, but that doesn't mean that there aren't some of them out there, who'd like to experiment with gender, even if they aren't genderfluid or bigender or trans. If they only got the chance to be themselves without anyone judging them for being more masculine or a bit more feminine. If they could do that without anyone making assumptions about their sexual orientation, which by the way has nothing to do with gender, I bet a lot more people would do it.

I actually think that's why so many people are against it. Everytime someone calls me a lesbian or a dyke all I can think is that they are too scared to be who they really are too scared to explore gender and sexuality.

Too many people take gender for granted like they can't be anything else but what society tells them to be. They're too scared. But I've decided that I won't be and as soon as I have the chance I'll show the world that I'm not afraid.