In The Mind Of A Genderfluid

My privates and not so privates....

Oh my God I'm so sorry I totally forgot about this... holidays and now school but anyway here it is ><
So to start if you have never heard of phantom genitalia is like, in my case, because i have a female body but sometimes feel male I'll experience phantom genitalia, which means I literally feel like I have a penis, like it's there.
It's one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever felt especially when I knock against my crotch because it feels like I should feel something but it's just...well nothing.
It gets really confusing for both me and everyone around because I seem to flinch everytime something goes near my crotch.
And then theres the chest. I really wish I could buy a binder because top body dysphoria can be worse than the phantom dick thing. I always wear a sports bra (I'm embarrassed to even tell you the last time I watched it *hides*) and it usually does the job but, I don't know about you but mostly my dysphoric moments usually start when I'm in public, and I realize people see me as a girl no matter how I feel. I start hating the fact that I have boobs. I start hating my jaw because it's too round. I try to hide my boobs by pushing my shirt out in the chest area so it's more loose and I clench my jaw so it's more like squarish...?. But then I regret doing it because I feel like I made it more obvious and then I just start silently hyperventilating because I feel like nobody will ever see me as I really am. It honestly feels like that, it doesn't help that your friends no matter what you say, or even they say, they see you as cis and everytime you make a comment about being masculine or ask them if your chest is too obvious or somehing of the sort, they might say yeah and no but you can see it in their faces and in the way they say it that they don't understand you, and usually they seem to not want to understand, and just dismiss it. And it gets tiring. It really does. I sometimes feel like leaving in the middle of the school day because I just can't take it but I can't! Not only for the obvious (Stay in school kids!) But also because you have to be stronger, it's not a permanent situation. For me it'll only be one more year and then I can move and be who I want to be. For you it might be a little longer. But keep in mind no matter how much longer you still have, it's not permanent.
And I don't know what else to say so yeah I'll stop my rambling here and I'll try to write the next one soon...? (*hides*)
Oh and btw my (ex) partner and I we're over so if anyone is interested in a stressed, not very smart potato call me *wink wink* (if you didn't notice I'm kidding please don't :P....well unless you're cute xD)