In The Mind Of A Genderfluid

Hair and parents

My mum and I have these unnecessary fights over my hair one too many times a day.
I admit sometimes I'm a bit stubborn and sound like a dick but if I didn't know  I was right I wouldn't do it.
First I wanted to dye it. For weeks she said I couldn't, insisting that it would look ridiculous and people would see me as a target at school, more than some already do. I shouted that it was only a blue highlight and people  would barely notice it. Eventually, I got what I wanted. One or two months later, though, I decided that  I wanted to dye the right front part of my hair, but this time I only told her when we were at the hairdresser so she wouldn't have time, nor the guts, to fight in front of the poor women. Every time I looked at her through the mirror though I saw her (blurred) face of disappointment but even then I couldn't stop myself from grinning like an idiot since my appearance was finally catching up with who I am inside. The blue made me feel a bit more masculine, even if everytime someone asked why blue I'd just say "because I felt like it" or "Because it matches my eyes" or even the classic "why not?". And I never actually became more of a target it was quite the opposite actually. Of course I got some weird looks and some people just dismissed it because they saw me as just another crazy art student. But there were some who looked at me with amazement. There was a girl that asked to touch my hair and then sighed sadly saying that she had wanted to do something like that but her mum never let her.
Everything seemed to be going well until I realized that blue hair wasn't enough I needed, still need, to cut it... short.
The exact kind of short hair style my mum doesn't want me to have.
I've been trying to explain to her for months that my hair has nothing to do with her and that she's being really unfair. I feel like screaming most of the time because her argument is always "I have a girl not a boy" which hurts more than it should since I know she just wants to help.
I've been trying to explain that if she wasn't ready to have a weird kid why did she even bother having any? If she wasn't ready to accept whoever came out of her no matter who they were and the (non - dangerous) choices they made why did she even bother? There's always that chance you'll get the odd one. There's always that risk. Why bother if you aren't ready to get them?

I've talked to my therapist though, and she agrees that I should do it. She talked to my mum and told her something about how if she wanted me to be independent she has to let me make my own choices, the ones that don't affect her or anyone else but me of course. She told her that if I got to have some kind of independence I'd become more autonomous when it comes to other stuff, like my chores.

So now I just have to wait for my mum to gather the courage and take me to a hairdresser, hopefully i'll get to dye my hair again because it's looking greenish at the moment. I just really hope my mum realizes she's being selfish and finally lets me be who I am at the moment.