In The Mind Of A Genderfluid

Social Life

So I finally got to cut my hair. (this was written in easter sorry :P)  I don't think I've ever felt this free before.

It's not as short as I wanted it to be but my mum wouldn't let me cut it shorter.

I feel so much better about myself though. It's still kind of feminine but it's way better than what I had before.

And everyone has been really awesome about it (the only one who didn't like it was my grandpa but who cares he's 80)

Anyway another topic, I've been asked to talk about (i couldn't find who asked me to though so sorry :P) was how do my friends deal with it. The ones at school? That's really easy to answer... they don't. I know they accept it and they may try to understand but the truth is they still only use feminine pronouns, when I've asked them to try to use both feminine and masculine. I know it's probably hard to accept it and to change that habit but it can't be that hard to at least try a bit.

But I do have really supportive people in my life one is someone who is the closest thing to a best friend i have at the moment (obviously not counting my girlfriend) I'm not sure I should say names so yeah i won't. He's gay, closeted to most people except his mum, me and his best friend, and he has been really supportive. He slips up sometimes but oh well at least he tries.

Some of the  people in a lgbtqia+ portuguese groupchat i started are really understanding too and one of them has been able to call me Ri and mix both masculine and feminine pronouns when we talk (we don't have gender neutral pronouns in my language) I've had some uncomfortable encounters with lgbtqia+ (not sure if that's correct but I'm hoping that it is) though people who I though would be supportive considering the community they belong too, but that's not always the case so be careful. If you're reading this and you're genderfluid or trans or everything else in between or out, not all lgbtqia+ people are supportive of genderqueer people. You should be proud of who you are but when in one of those situations be careful, defend yourself no one gets to choose who you're supposed to be.

Anyway another person who I have recently come out to is my girlfriend. We had been together since the 21th of June 2013 but broke up on the 28th of August 2014 (not entirely sure but i think it was) anyway we started talking again around easter and got back together on the 21th of April and during those talks I remember mentioning something about my genderfluidity but I don't think we talked that much about it.

But last night I was feeling really dysphoric I felt like my body was wrong and basically I was just feeling like a freak of nature, I'll talk more about dysphoria in another chapter. Back to the topic, I was feeling really dysphoric and ended up telling her about it all. That I don't always identify with male or female, that I sometimes feel like I don't belong to my own body,about the phantom genitalia (I'll talk more about that in the next chapter too), basically everything.

She was really supportive as always, thankfully. We talked about all of it, and today we discussed the pronouns thing, which we decided on gender neutral ones (she's english) unless I tell her what I feel like that day. You usually can tell by the clothes I wear, even if I'm not that feminine when I do feel female, but she's in england so yeah...and besides never associate clothes with gender. It's better to just ask than assume. If you watch diary of a genderfluid on youtube you'll see that there are all sorts of genderfluid people and yes some of us do have long hair or dress more masculine or feminine even though they feel the opposite of what you think you see.

By the way, if you're questioning or want to find videos which you can relate too on youtube go watch them. Diary of a genderfluid is a group of 7 genderfluid people from different parts of the world, who discuss their experience out of the binary or dancing around one of the sides. They talk about a different theme every week and it's really interesting so far so yeah check them out!