𝚜𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝟷𝟶𝟷

𝐣𝐮𝐦𝐩

Now, like I'd mentioned before, I was nearing the end of what I like to call, 'my past life'.  I say this because the old me is dead.  The second I snapped, I was no longer Izuku Midoriya, I was Tōmei Ningen, or Deku.  I never answered to the name Izuku Midoriya again.

Ah, you're probably wondering when I 'snapped'.  It was the day that Katsuki, most likely unknowingly, almost suffocated me to death.  Yeah, I had a panic attack, but it was because I couldn't breathe.  That, and I was just freaking out at the fact that he was choking me.  Out of all the things he'd done to me, and trust me, he did a fucking lot, that was the most painful one.  The feeling of your esophagus being crushed while you nearly tear off your nails scraping at things in hopes of relieving the pain does a number on most people.

But it wasn't just the sheer terror and pain that broke me, or to be more specific, broke me more than I already was.

No, it was the fact that the white obliviousness that came after it felt amazing.  It was like a drug, slowly pulling me into it's spiderweb of relief and I was the fly getting trapped.  It was like constantly treading water.  At first its lapping, cool, waves were nice and comforting, but over time it slowly tired you.  Then soon your limbs would be burning and sore, throat dry and scratchy from heavy breathing and the exertion.  Then the panic came.  When you knew you were screwed.  Your body slowly starts to shut down, the system crumbling on itself.  Your legs won't move anymore and you slowly start sinking, the painful death and pressure of the waves heavy on your head.  Then the only thing you see before you succumb to the darkness was the light that you once took for granted, before you close your eyes and fully lose yourself.

Then you and your addiction became one.

In the moment that I woke up, panting and chest heaving, I realize that I'd just died for a short amount of time. And I loved the feeling of it.  When I realized that I loved that feeling of being dead, I freaked.  I freaked out and I ran.  I ran home an in the midst of all of this, I internally made plans.  Not plans on ways to live, or plans for the future, no, plans to die.  Because in all honesty, I was ready to die.  

And like a drug addict stealing money for drugs, I was willing to do anything to experience that feeling of rapture again.

. . . .

The next part of my story takes place about two hours after my big realization.  

It'd taken some time to find a suitable place to kill myself.  I obviously wanted it to be painless, so I'd chosen the tallest building I could find and that was in the immediate area.  I'd heard about the American bombing of the Twin Towers and how people jumped off the building in attempts to have a painless death instead of slowly burning to death.  Even so, it'd be more meaningful, almost poetic to die that way.  Kacch--Katsuki once told me to "take a swan dive off the rooftop and hope for a quirk in the next life", so I thought that maybe I'd do one last thing for him.  It was ironic, really.  I was going to take my last breath doing something that my personal tormentor  told me to do.....

Either way, I was going to jump off of the Herogram headquarters, the tallest building that was somewhat close to Aldera.  I didn't want to wait too long.  

I left my bag outside of the building and grabbed a nearby rock from the flowerpot at the entrance, smashing the locked glass door.  Apparently they didn't have an alarm system, so it was easy to break in without causing too much of a ruckus which was very much convenient to me.  Taking a breath, I stepped inside, the glass shards crunching under the sole of my shoes.  

Once I finally arrived at the top, I hunched over, attempting to recover after the intense workout that was running up 24 sets of stairs.  I don't know why I took the time to catch my breath, for it wouldn't matter in a few seconds, but I suppose maybe I wanted to die peacefully instead of dry heaving.  When I finished recovering, I walked over to the guard rail, slowly.  I was finally going to find peace.  It was especially dark tonight, emphasizing the brightness of the moon and stars.  

The cool night air nipped at my exposed cheeks and ears, slightly flushing from the cold.  Somewhere off in the distance, a dog barked.  I sighed, my breath steaming out of my mouth and floating off into the sky, dissipating slowly as it spiraled into the moon.  After my cloud of breath had fully dissipated, I reached down and untied my shoes.  It was a normal thing for a person to do when jumping, right?  To leave the world a sign that they were once there, maybe so that people didn't fully forget them.  Maybe a sign that they were once human too, alive and breathing, loving and working.  Maybe it was just my somber, philosophical mind just trying to make the mood even more dramatic, maybe.

After my shoes became undone, I climbed over the rail, too-short legs barely making it over.  I teetered near the edge and quickly gained my balance.  Spreading my arms, I look one last breath.  And with that, I jumped.  The wind around me blew my hair back as I quickly gained speed, gravity pushing me faster and faster.  It was exhilarating and exciting, but peaceful and beautiful all at the same time.  Blowing the last of the air in my lungs out, I relaxed every muscle and let myself fall.

Just before I hit the ground, I closed my eyes and smiled.

"I'm sorry."

. . . .

again, not sorry.
always more than 1,000 words.
sorta.
i dont even know what im
typing anymore.
sneak peek?
V

"please come back"