Repairing Beyond Ambition - Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order fanfic *EDITING*

Chapter 46

Unable to sleep, Cal had vacated his cabin, careful not to wake everyone else. He had been sat alone in the lounge area for a while, too tired to even address the plaguing thoughts in his mind, just letting them float there idly. He felt pathetic, he was convinced he had failed his Master and that he was slowly failing everyone else around him and that he could only blame himself. He didn't feel enough to anybody, not even Altheeda. All this soul-searching and meditation was not fixing the issue and he was becoming desperate for a solution. He put his head in his hands, hunched over and eyes squeezed shut, just wanting the thoughts in his mind to be eliminated.

Meanwhile, Altheeda had decided to make herself a cup of tea in an attempt to help her sleep. Her dainty footsteps were barely audible in the ship as she made a conscious effort to keep the peace and quiet. She was almost in a trance as she entered the lounge area until the feeling of Cal's stare washing over her silhouette put her at a standstill. She met his eyes warily, feeling as if she was intruding in his time to himself, but the more she studied him the more she realised how vulnerable he had become and somehow without overstepping boundaries, she needed to support him.

Slowly, she put one foot in front of the other, cautiously approaching the sofa as he watched curiously. She apprehensively seated herself next to him but making sure to leave a space between them. Cal was fully aware of her decision and his head nodded the tiniest amount. They were sat in silence; they were both physically and mentally exhausted. They knew what they wanted to say to each other and knew it was not meant to be said, no matter how right it felt in the moment; it was a case of finding something different to say.

She turned her head slowly to face him, her gaze was uncertain but it gradually grew longing. He gave into his emotions and looked at her in return. She had to stop herself from wincing after seeing the pain in his eyes. He cleared his throat which grounded her from her looming thoughts.

"I'll be fine."

It was proving difficult for them to sit there and act like things were going to be fine. She held her soft expression on her face and he knew deep down she wasn't convinced by his façade.

"It's hard, Altheeda. All of this. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was never going to be easy but..."

She nodded with full understanding, though she couldn't form a sentence in her mind to respond with for the time being, but she wanted him to know that she was there for him.

"The disappointment in his eyes... it was..."

"Your own mind is turning against you."

Her words took him aback. It wasn't as if he was unaware of this, yet it was jarring hearing the exact same thought he had come from her lips. He swallowed before turning to face her once again.

"It's the truth." She spoke softly.

"I know it is." He admitted. "I just can't find a way to stop it from happening."

"Where is it all coming from? There has to be more to it than what you've told me before."

He sighed, rubbing his forehead as he tried to map out his explanation.

"I have different people telling me different things about what the Jedi are..."

"What exactly are they saying?" She asked curiously.

"People have told me that the Jedi are supposed to bring hope and peace. But others see this different side of the Jedi, that power is the only thing that matters to us, that we're corrupt and shouldn't be trusted."

She pondered on his words as he fell silent, his face had melancholy written all over it. The silence lingered as they both retreated into their minds until Cal began thinking aloud.