On His Journey To Forget

Chapter One

He was hearing her words, but he couldnt believe them. She was blaming him for burning her notebook, the book that meant more to her than anything. How could she think he would do that. No, he hadn't read the book, not one word, but it didn't matter, he was going to let her publish it....why, because he trusted her, he wanted her to succeed. Not for Yigit, but for Sanem, he wanted her book to be published, she deserved it. But now Yigit was lying in a hospital bed, paralyzed, and it was caused by his own hands.

His mother had taken on the role of Yigit's caretaker, his protector, and that bothered him. But most of all the fact that no one would listen to him, it was an accident, he had just pushed him, maybe a bit to forcefully, but still it was an accident. He searched the face of everyone for some sort of understanding, but there was none, all he saw was the look of accusations. The last thing he wanted was to harm Sanem, but the look in her eyes told him he had done just that. " Can, how could you, what reason did you have to burn my notebook, just a simple no from you and I wouldn't have published it." She stood in front of him, her eyes full of tears and hurt. Can swallowed hard and rubbed his face with his hands, " Sanem, I didn't burn  your book, I couldn't ever do anything like that to you, i know how much that notebook meant to you. Yigit is lying to you." He reached for her hand, but she pulled away. The look from her eyes cut him deep, down to the soul, the hurt from it made him physically sick.

The words that came next, came in defense of his actions, " Sanem if you really belief I burned your book, then I shouldn't be here any more, if you think that of me then I should leave." She was silent, not offering any kind of objection, as he stared into her eyes. " Fine, I can hear you, if that's what you believe,....then, goodbye" ....He turned quickly and walked away, wanting so badly to look back, to see her standing there or maybe see her running after him, but he kept his eyes straight ahead, his heart breaking. 

Sanem watched him as he turned the corner in the hallway, she was frozen, why wouldn't her legs move. She wanted to call after him to stop, don't go, but her voice was gone. This was the nightmare that she had always been afraid of from the very beginning, the vision of him walking away. She didn't remember much after that, just the intense hurt and emptiness, but her guilt over what had happened to Yigit somehow overshadowed her feelings. It was only a matter of a few minutes before she realized the mistake she had made. She grabbed her phone, as Ms.Huma and Leila both pleaded with her to let him cool off before calling him, but she knew she would never forgive herself if she didn't call him immediately. She listened to the recording, "This caller is not available at this time." Her heart was heavy and seemed to be busting from her chest as she tried over and over again to reach him. 

Can had made it to his house with his mind in a fog, where would he go, he thought. He poured a whiskey, and down it quickly, letting it burn his throat and stomach as it went down. He wanted another one, but he knew it would lead to more than he needed, and he had to drive. He grabbed what clothes and personal things he thought he might need, turned off his phone and threw it in the bottom of his bag, throwing his clothes on top of it. He didn't plan on calling anyone, he didn't want to hear anyone's voice, the conversation with Sanem was shouting loudly over and over in his head, and  that was enough. He seemed to be programmed, his body just doing what it needed to do, as he tossed his bag in the back of his truck. He climbed in not knowing what he would do next, but he just knew he had to leave.

His truck must have been on auto pilot because he didn't remember the drive at all. He made his way along the coast from Istanbul, his body numb and unfeeling. This was something that was in his nature, to run, to walk away without a word, but this time it didn't feel right, this time he hurt beyond belief. He couldn't stop the tears as they rolled down his face, as he drove further and further away from the only happiness he had ever known. He was on the road for hours, still in a haze, before he arrived at the pier in Canakkale. He really never realized where he was going until then, but there he was in  front of his old friends house. It was early, the sun had yet to make it's appearance, so he would have to wait for a while to knock on the door. He leaned back in his truck, closed his eyes to rest them for a bit, but the image of Sanem blinded him, making him jump up. He stared out across the pier, past all the boats that were anchored there, to the massive view of the sea. The moon was still shining on the water, illuminating a path out across it. That's where he wanted to go, out there into the darkness of the sea, alone, he had to be alone. He would let that place be his home, he could sail forever and maybe he would never come back. 

The sun was just lighting the sky with an orange glow, when the door opened. Lutfu stuck his head out, " Hey, Can is that you. Come in and have some coffee. The man had been like a father to him at one point, he spent many months there, with the older man teaching him all he knew about sailing. He had instilled that wandering trait into Can years before he had taken on his photography career. They would sail out into the Aegean Sea, drift around for weeks at a time, letting their hearts and mind be free. He envied his friend, he seemed to be so at peace with who he was and the life he chose. 

They sat at the table together, as they had done so many times before, but this time Can was older, and life had taken its toll on his heart. His friend smiled, " Son, what brings you all the way out here, I can tell it's not a social call. You need to get lost from yourself, am I right." He asked, squinting his eyes at him. Can  couldn't look him in the eyes, but he nodded, " Yes, I have to leave, I need to go as far away from Turkey as I can get, and I may never be back. I want to buy that black rig you have." His voice sounding strained and stiff. Lutfu knew how much Can had suffered in the past, and he never questioned his intent so he wasn't about to start now. " Ok, how much money do you have." He asked, knowing Can would insist on paying. They agreed an a fair price, because that's what Can expected, and they went about stocking the boat with the supplies he would need.

It was late in the morning by the time he was ready to set sail....his heart still in pain, so much so he couldn't explain to his friend why he was leaving. But Lutfu never expected an explanation. He tossed his bag on board the boat, while Lutfu untied him from the pier.

He watched him glide through the water and out of the pier, quietly and with a sadness he hadn't seen in him before.

Can didn't look back, just looked ahead, followed the direction of the wind, hoping it would take him to a place that would ease his pain......